Not Yet
by writingmom
Summary: Harm and Mac deal with the reality of the words spoken in Sydney and try to find their way back to each other. COMPLETE!
1. Honesty

A/N: Just a little story that came to me while listening to Ray Charles' "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word". I don't like songfics, so we're going to pretend like this definitely isn't one.

Disclaimer: JAG and its characters belong to DPB.

Timeline: This is not precise, so don't get irritated. It's a mixture of a few episodes, mainly Boomerang 2 and Lifeline. And Bud's jaw is not wired shut for all of you sticklers out there!

* * *

Harm sat on his couch staring at the guitar in the corner. He held the neck of the cold beer bottle loosely with two fingers and between drinks, replayed the conversation over again in his mind.

''_You still can't let go, can you?''_

''_Not yet.''_

''_I guess I should be flattered.''_

''_You should, Sarah.''_

His words were meant to deliver a glimmer of hope. Instead, they delivered a blow; a soft one, maybe, but a heartbreaking reminder nonetheless. He had seen it in her eyes. She was shy, embarrassed maybe, to have put her feelings on the line only to hear the words "not yet". He wasn't ready. Not then. Not now. Or was he? He didn't know what to think anymore and he didn't trust his feelings. Seeing the ring on her hand at the airport was a blow to his pride.

If he were honest, brutally honest, he would have to admit that he assumed she would wait; that he was worth it, and that when the day finally came that he decided to end this dance, that she would be ready and waiting. But maybe he was wrong. Maybe she didn't want to wait and maybe he was wrong to expect her to.

Relationships were confusing. It had always been easier to go for light-hearted women that expected little in return, but that never seemed to last long. At some point, casual dating was never enough. They always wanted more, and he could never commit.

Would he ever be able to? As he swallowed another mouthful of beer, he set the bottle gently down on the table, staring now at the wet ring that was beginning to form around it. He leaned his head back on the couch and absorbed the words that Ray Charles was singing softly on the stereo.

_What have I got to do to make you love me? What have I got to do to make you care? _

He could hear Mac now. Asking, pleading silently in her eyes. What was she supposed to do? How long was she supposed to wait? He knew enough about women and enough about Mac to know that 'not yet' was too vague, that if he had meant for it to be a glimmer of hope, then something else should have been added for emphasis. A touch, a smile, something to let her know that he was glad that she had brought it up, that he looked forward to the day when letting go wouldn't be quite so scary.

A crooked smile unknowingly spread across his face. Most women would have asked for more right then; asked for a detailed plan and demanded that he state his intentions. But not Mac. She wasn't most women. She let it drop because she knew better than to push and because she knew just by looking in his eyes that this was difficult for him.

_What do I do when lightning strikes me and I wake up and find that you're not there?_

Suddenly the walls of his apartment were no longer engaging. He stood to grab his keys off of the desk and walked out, closing the door behind him as the words echoed in his mind.

_Sad, so sad, why can't we talk it over? Oh it seems to me that sorry seems to be the hardest word…_

Harm was now on his motorcycle, taking in the air with relief and anticipation. He always felt better after a motorcycle ride. It helped him clear his head and his mind of anything that was bothering him. Sometimes it was work, but usually it was Mac that invaded his thoughts while he rode through the streets of D.C., and yes, often past her apartment. Not that she was a bother; it was just that he found himself thinking of her more and more as time went on. He had never met another woman like her; strong, self-sufficient, beautiful, and capable. She had exposed her vulnerable side to him on more than one occasion, and he immediately knew that this wasn't something that happened often. He treasured these moments like precious jewels, because he knew that Mac admitting weakness was as difficult for her as opening up was for him.

And yet, she had done it. She had stepped outside of her comfort zone because she trusted him with all of her heart. He had never heard her say the words, but he knew it. He could feel it. Why couldn't he do the same? Why couldn't he offer just a morsel of trust? In their usual playful banter, it was common for him to present an air of cockiness, of superiority, even. She took it for all it was worth and usually handed it back to him on a platter, but this was the role that he had created with his partner, whether they were joking or not. _The great Harmon Rabb Jr. will commit to you when and if he's ready, and in Sydney, he was not ready. _He thought to himself, shaking his head at the realization that this may have been how she perceived things to be between them now.

Darkness had settled over the city and he knew that after the long flight home, she would probably be resting. He slowed his motorcycle as he approached the parking lot of her apartment building. He debated going up to see her. The light was on in the living room, but, just as he reached down to turn the engine off, he saw the light fade from the window. Now wasn't the time. Again.

_What have I got to do to make you want me? What have I got to do to be heard? What do I say when it's all over and sorry seems to be the hardest word?_

He turned the bike around and headed for home. His thoughts were definitely more clear. Now he just had to figure out what to do with them.

The next week at work seemed to drag. The few times that Harm bumped in to Mac she had been cordial. He had every intention of asking her to go to lunch, but the times that he was ready to ask, she had been in court or out of the office. Harm sat at his desk and tapped his pencil repeatedly against the ledge. The one thing that he knew for sure was that he didn't want to ruin their friendship. No matter what had happened or would happen between them, their friendship was priceless to him and he wanted to maintain as much of a comfort level as possible.

From his window he could see a florist emerge from the elevator with a large bouquet of flowers in his hand. Harm rolled his eyes, knowing immediately who they were for, and who they were from. Harriet excitedly took them from the florist and made her way to Mac's office. "Enter." He heard her say, and then some giggling and talking before Harriet left.

Harm was about to make his way to the bathroom when Bud appeared in his doorway.  
"It's almost quitting time sir. Will you be joining us at McMurphy's this evening?" It had become an unspoken ritual for the JAG staff to gather at the bar on Fridays. Anyone who could make it showed up and Harm looked forward to it, mainly because it gave he and Mac another opportunity to be together.

"I, uh…" He wasn't sure what his answer was going to be until Bud replied, "Harriet is going over now with Major Mackenzie. If you want, I can give you a ride."

"No, that's o.k., Bud. I can drive." He smiled.

"So we'll see you there?"

"Wouldn't miss it." Harm smiled.

When he arrived at McMurphy's later, he found Mac, Harriet, Bud, Tiner and Gunny all sitting in a large booth together. "Commander, you finally made it! Have a seat." Bud smiled as he scooted over to make more room. They had all been laughing, but the conversation had clearly been interrupted upon his arrival. He glanced in Mac's direction, hoping to avoid an awkward evening. The two hadn't really spoken much since Australia, and he was hoping that could change. "Did you have a good week?" She asked, breaking the ice for him. Her smile was so sincere and made him immediately feel at ease. "Yeah, not too bad really. How about yourself?"

"Same." She smiled. She opened her mouth to say something else before Harriet interrupted.

"So, you never answered Gunny's question. Do they deliver flowers to the Guadalcanal?" She elbowed Mac in laughter. Harm's eyebrow shot up immediately.

"Ah…" Mac smiled, trying to smooth the waters that she knew were about to be stirred. "I haven't gotten back to the Admiral yet, Harriet." She tried to change the subject, but Harriet was not catching on.

"Oh, Major, it's just, it's so romantic, with him being so far away and still sending you flowers! What would it say to Mic if you just disappeared?"

Harm stared at her, intently. She met his gaze while answering Harriet, who was right beside her. "It's not disappearing, Harriet. It's called work. And it would only be for a little while."

The look of confusion on Harm's face couldn't be avoided. She knew that they needed to talk, but Harriet was making it difficult. Harm stood and walked over to the bar. Mac's eyes followed him, and she excused herself.

"Hey." She spoke up behind him.

"Hey." He said, not bothering to turn around. He was focused on the drink in front of him, afraid of where the conversation might be headed. "So, you're headed out to sea?"

"Likely, but nothing's set in stone." She propped herself up on the barstool beside him. He remained focused on the liquid in the bottle before him. Not drinking, just staring. He nodded.

"Harm, I wasn't going to just leave without telling you."

"I know."

Conversations often felt so one-sided with Harm. Mac felt as though once again, she was doing all of the work. "Then why are you acting so put out?" If he was going to be guarded, she was going to be blunt. And it worked.

He turned his head to face her. "Put out?" He scoffed.

"What would you call it?" She was beginning to lose her patience.

He shook his head. This was frustrating for him too. "I don't know, Mac. I guess it's been a long week."

"I thought you said work was o.k."

He grew silent for a moment. "I wasn't talking about work."

"Oh." His last statement had caught her by surprise. "Is it anything that you want to talk about?"

"Yes. No. Not here, I mean." He was struggling, but he wasn't about to let this drop. He needed to let her know why he said what he did in Sydney and what it had meant from his perspective.

She smiled and remained seated for a few more moments, waiting for him to drag her out by the hand saying that now, right now he wanted to talk to her and not a moment later. Instead, he said nothing.

She let out an inaudible sigh before standing. He caught her movement out of the corner of his eye and bent his head down in defeat. "Well, you know where to find me." She lifted her hand instinctively to place it on his back, but stopped herself. She pulled her hand away slowly, and walked back to the table.

He stayed at the bar for another ten minutes before noticing the song that was now playing on the jukebox.

_Sad, so sad, it's a sad, situation, and it's getting more and more absurd. It's sad, so sad, why can't we talk it over? _

He glanced over at the dance floor and saw that Gunny was now spinning Mac around, making a purposeful mockery out of the slow tempo. "Gunny, you're not supposed to lead like that." Bud yelled from the table. They were all laughing.

"Can't help it, sir. We're a couple of Marines fighting for the lead. If I don't pick up the pace, she'll run me over." He laughed and Mac playfully hit him on the shoulder as they continued their dramatic portrayal of two people dancing. Harm smiled to himself. It was good to see her laugh; to be happy. He hated it that he was sitting at the bar sulking. At least, that's what it must have looked like to the rest of the group. He wouldn't have called it sulking so much as re-thinking his options.

When the song came to an end, the crowd whistled and clapped zealously, inspiring Gunny to take a bow on the dance floor, and to stretch his arms out in recognition of his partner. Harm decided to re-join the party, but noticed that just as he was about to sit down, Mac had grabbed her purse to leave. She said her goodbyes and then turned to notice him standing directly behind her.

"Oh, hey." She gave a small smile.

"You leaving?"

"Yeah, I think so. Gunny wore me out over there." She joked. She could tell that he wanted to say something, but was beginning to grow tired of being his narrator. Instead of attempting yet again to read his mind, she said, "Bye, Harm."

She was half way to the door when he said it. "Mac, wait."

She turned to meet him. "I mean, I'll walk you out."

"O.k." She nodded and smiled, reminding him yet again how patient she was, how loyal a friend to wait instead of telling him that their conversations were more trouble than they were worth.

When they reached her car, she put on her coat and wrapped her arms tightly around herself. Still waiting for him to initiate the conversation, she stood silently. He was inwardly cursing himself for yet another period of silence. Realizing that he was acting like a nervous school boy, he tried the impulsive approach.

"Can we—do you care if we go somewhere? To talk? Or, do you, I mean, if you need to get home…"

"Harm, it's fine. We can talk. Do you want to come over?"

He nodded. He hadn't thought much farther than the question. "Yeah, great, if you don't mind."

"Not at all. See you there."

He nodded, and made his way to the car. He had no idea what he was going to say to her. Ray Charles was definitely right about sorry being the hardest word. It was this and so much more that he wanted to say, but he also didn't want to give her the wrong idea. What if he implied that he was ready for a relationship when he really wasn't? Somewhere between "not yet" and "right now" lay his feelings, and he wanted to accurately convey this to her.

She was waiting for him by the front door. "Come on up. I'll put on some tea." She was so casual, so easy to be around. He wondered how she did it; let the weight of a situation filter through her mind, never allowing it too much precedence over her need to live and breathe. And interact.

She removed her coat and offered to take his. He handed it to her and said, "Thank you." Just as he was about to finally speak, he noticed a rather large bouquet of flowers on her dining room table, different from the ones she had received at work. He felt the wind being let out of his sails. Brumby was certainly not wasting any time, and it angered him that grand gestures and smooth moves were easier for men like him; men that didn't deserve Sarah Mackenzie.

She walked past him to the kitchen, ignoring his obvious displeasure over the flowers. She grabbed two cups from the cabinet and concentrated on the task at hand, thankful for the distraction.

Harm leaned against the door frame, just watching her. There was no denying the elephant in the room, and both knew that it was time to face it. He had no idea how good he looked standing like that. She ushered all thoughts of attraction to the side and placed a tea bag in each cup.

"Brumby's been busy this week." It was a start, maybe to an argument, but it was a start, only this time, it was Mac that was guarded.

"Mm-hmm." She fluttered about the kitchen, doing what, neither exactly knew.

"Mac—" At this, she stopped. She closed her eyes in an effort to summon the courage to go here; to relive their conversation on the ferry and to hear whatever it was that Harm wanted to say. She wanted to tell him that she got it loud and clear and that they could skip the replay, but that wasn't going to work.

She slowly opened her eyes and lifted them to face him, the tension in the room now thicker than mud. She backed up against the counter and folded her arms across her chest for security.

"Mac, I'm not very good with words."

_Oh great, here it comes._ She thought to herself. She remained silent.

"I want to let go." He blurted, much to his surprise, and to hers.

A look of question spread across her face and he continued. "I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to lose you." He thought that he was doing really well, but judging by the look on her face, he had said something wrong yet again. Tears began to form in her eyes, but she forcefully kept them at bay.

"What? What is it?"

She removed the now whistling kettle from the stove and instead of pouring it in to the mugs, she walked in to the living room. "Come. Sit." She patted the couch beside her.

"Against my better judgment, I'm going to do this. _For_ you. Again."

"What do you mean?" He was clearly confused.

She shook her head as if she were shaking away the urge to say something that she shouldn't. "I mean, Harm, that I know why you're here. And you don't need to be, trust me."

"I don't understand."

"I mean, Harm, that I understand what 'not yet' means, and you don't have to explain it to me. I'm not stupid."

He was growing more confused by the second. "Mac, I've been thinking a lot about what I said, and I wanted you to know that…that…"

"That what, Harm? That not yet has suddenly changed to right now?" She stood from the couch and began pacing.

"Let's just cut to the chase, here, Harm, and I want us to be honest."

"O.k."

"If Mic weren't pursuing me right now, would you be here, in my apartment, tonight?"

He said nothing. She had a point. As much as he hated himself for admitting it, she had a valid point.

"Mac, I—"

"In the kitchen, just now. What did you say to me? You said, 'I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to lose you.' You're afraid, Rabb. You were afraid in Sydney, and you're still afraid, but for different reasons." She couldn't believe that she had just said that out loud. The anger that was threatening to take over had now completely subsided. She took another deep breath and sat on the coffee table directly in front of him.

"Harm," He couldn't meet her gaze, so she lifted his chin. "You need to know, that it's _really_ o.k."

"How can you say that?"

"Because I know you. And I have faith in you."

The emotion of the situation was taking its toll. He couldn't believe that he felt like crying and swore that no matter what, that would not happen. He didn't want to lose her. He did want more. He just wasn't sure when.

"I wish I had a little faith in myself." He mumbled.

"Harm, can I ask you something?" He nodded. "What do you want most out of life?"

"What I want most is to never lose you."

She was moved at his answer, and again threatened the tears not to flow. She reached out and took his hands in hers, looking down.

"You're not going to lose me, Harm."

"But you're leaving."

"Temporarily." She emphasized.

"And Brumby…" He was hesitant to say it, but he had to. He wanted to.

"It doesn't work that way. I'm sorry." Damn, she knew him better than he knew himself.

"But what if—what if you and he, I don't know, start a future together?"

"Then you and I will still be friends."

He hated that answer, and she hated seeing him twist in the wind, but he needed to understand that he couldn't have it both ways. She couldn't be his simply because he was keeping her from someone else. He let out a moan of dissatisfaction. The thought of them together was sickening. He knew that he was about to cross a boundary, but he had to ask anyway.

"Is that what you want? Brumby?"

"What I want is a man to love me for me. I don't want to be someone's experiment, I don't want to be someone's teacher, and I don't want to fill someone else's mold."

"So…you're not going to see Brumby?"

"That's not what I said."

"Then what, Mac, what are you trying to say? Did you lead him to believe that you wanted to see him again or not?" He knew that it was too bold, but his careless regard for politeness was symbolic of his personality. He was an all or nothing kind of guy.

She shook her head, like a mother whose child had just learned one of life's harsh realities.

This time, a tear did fall. "I told him not yet."

Harm's heart sank deep into his chest. It wasn't at all what he wanted to hear, and for the first time, he felt the magnitude of the words he had spoken only days ago. Harm lowered his head in response, fearful that his own tears were going to disregard his command. This was painful. Honesty, openness…it stunk, and yet he knew that she was well within her limits to say everything that she had said.

"Damnit, Mac."

Another tear fell down her cheek. She lowered her head, resting it directly against his. She took his hands in her once more, and soothingly rubbed her thumbs over the backs of his strong hands.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this." He muttered.

"It'll be o.k., Harm. We'll be o.k." Even as she spoke, another tear fell, splattering its moisture onto their hands. He hated to see her hurting, and to know that he was the cause of so much of it.

"When do you leave?" His voice was beginning to crack.

"Monday."

"Monday?" He raised his head sharply, breaking the contact to look at her tear-stained face. "For how long?"

"Six to eight weeks. Maybe less, maybe more."

He shook his head in frustration. Looking back in to her eyes, he saw that the tears were not slowing. He removed his hands from he grasp and cupped her face, wiping the tears away with his thumbs.

"Mac, you know I want to let go. I know I can. Only with you. I can."

She leaned in to his embrace and reached up to cover his hands with hers once more.

"I know that, Harm. But—" She was trying not to sob.

"But I don't want you to do that until you're ready. Until you're _really_ ready." He wiped her tears almost before they fell, determined to use this small gesture as a way of expressing his concern for her.

"And what if…what if I lose you in the meantime?" He wanted a guarantee, even though it was selfish.

"You'll never lose me."

She didn't answer his question, and they both knew it. But she couldn't lie. She wanted to wait for Harm, but if waiting meant years and years of missed opportunities, then she would at some point, have to move on.

He knew that there was nothing else that could be said tonight. She knew where he stood, and likewise. It wasn't the romantic moment that he had anticipated. In fact, it was painful and brutal. But the dance, at least as they'd known it, had come to an end.

"You mean the world to me." He cupped her face more firmly now, for added impact, and leaned in as close as he possibly could.

She smiled and nodded.

"You'll call?"

She nodded again.

"And email?"

Again, she smiled.

"I miss you already." He breathed, and then grazed his lips against hers, unsure of the response that he would get. She returned his kiss, ignoring the tears that salted their touch. It was a gentle, slow, kiss, that neither wanted to break. It was goodbye, it was hello. It was "not yet", it was "please wait".

Finally, they broke for air. "Goodbye, Harm." She let her hands slide down from his to lay helplessly on her lap. He stood reluctantly to leave, and then found his way to the door.

"Goodbye."

When she heard the door close behind him, the sobs that she'd fought hard to control were unleashed. She leaned down, placing her face in her hands, shoulders shaking, while on the other side of the door, the man that she loved closed his eyes and said to no one in particular, "Soon, Sarah. Soon."

* * *

The End? 


	2. Comparisons

A/N: O.k., your reviews were convincing. I won't just leave it there, but I'm afraid that I see more angst in the future because I want to stay true to the dynamics that we have here. As much as we all enjoy fluff, we know these two as complicated individuals! The romance may take awhile. I'm headed north for vacation. Will update again as soon as I can! As always, thanks for the reviews.

* * *

Mac's POV

I can't believe it's already been three weeks since I've been on board. The small quarters feel almost…homey now. The officers here have been very welcoming. I guess now I can see how a person could get used to life on a carrier. I needed a break after our trip to Australia. Mic is one giant green light, and Harm is definitely stuck on yellow. After our talk, I thought I'd never stop crying. I felt so empty, and yet in a strange way, more resolved about who I am and what I want out of life. Sleep came quickly to me that night and in the morning, I had very little regret about leaving, which I didn't expect.

Harm is a complex person. I've learned a lot about him in our years as partners together. He has experienced loss like some can't even fathom. He's loved and he's had to say goodbye before he was ready. I understand that. I also understand that he wants to love again, but has no idea when that might be. I'm flattered, I really am, that he thinks that person might be me. And I would be a lot more giddy about the whole thing if it weren't for that one word that keeps tripping me up—_might._

When Harm was at my apartment, I don't think he knew what he wanted. I think the only thread of reasoning that he was hanging on to was that he didn't want Mic to have me. And I have to be honest; it's tempting to flaunt a relationship with Brumby in his face. It's not like the man isn't ready, willing and able to start something with me. But do I want that? Wouldn't that just be settling? I don't want to play hard to get and I don't want to play games. Period. But what if—what if I'm writing Mic off before I give him a chance? As annoying as he can be at times, he makes me laugh. I find myself smiling in spite of myself when I'm reading his emails. What if there is more to the man than the forward style that I've seen so far? And so what if he is forward? Doesn't every woman want to be valued, to feel like she's someone's princess? Why should I let someone else's personal opinion of the man get in the way of the way how he makes me feel?

Email used to seem such an impersonal way to get to know someone, but now I'm not so sure. It seems that distance and non-personal contact gives people the confidence to start conversations that they might not otherwise. O.k., well, Mic would probably say it to my face and more, but Harm? Not so much. He's been kind to check on me, but I'm having to work really hard not to read between the lines. The what ifs could drive me crazy if I let them, and I can't. It seems simple with Mic. He puts himself out there, take it or leave it. With Harm, I'm always guessing, always wondering, always starting the conversations for him and I don't know how much longer I can do that.

As I sit down to check email again before turning in, I see two messages waiting for me. One, from Mic, is longer than usual. He misses, me, he wants to know when he can take me….wait a minute, what? He's coming to the states? He's got to be kidding. When? He doesn't even know when I'll be—whew. O.k., he says that I'm to let him know the minute that I step foot on dry land, and he'll be there, waiting. "The bloke behind the red roses. That'll be me." He says, and again, I find myself smiling. I'll give him credit. The man certainly knows how to get a girl's attention.

The other email is from Harm. I smile with anticipation as I double click and read the message before me. His too, is longer than usual. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that he and Mic are in a contest of sorts. Funny how their emails usually arrive on the same day.

Mac,

How's it going out there? Are you homesick yet? Sea sick? None of the above? Things here are still the same, except that my work load is a little heavier with you gone. Thanks, by the way.

Listen, I know you've got a few more weeks before you get back, but when you do, I was hoping that we could grab some dinner or something. It's not the same when you're not around. Let me know how you're doing.

Harm

Once again I'm perplexed by his choice of words. "Grab some dinner?" What are we, college buddies? Mic is standing by offering fine dining, flowers and dancing. With Harm it's all in code. Or not. I really can't tell what he's trying to say. I wanted him to say that he misses me. I want him to say that he's lost or bored or going crazy when I'm not there. Something, anything with a little more feeling than "how's it going".

Enough of this. I turn off the computer in favor of sleep. It's late, I'm exhausted and not in the mood to make comparisons any longer. _Men._ And they think women are hard to figure out?


	3. Surprise!

Mac's POV, 3 weeks later 

Harriet is going to be in shock. When she emailed me to tell me about the Governor's ball and the award that the Admiral would be accepting, I played it off like I wouldn't be able to make it back in time. Technically, I shouldn't. I still have some loose ends to tie up here, but I've been granted 48 hours leave and will be catching the next helo out for what I hope will be a fun-filled, relaxing two days on land.

I'm not sure if Harm will be there or not. Harriet said that he's been busy dealing with some bossy bimbo and her film crew that are there to make some sort of commercial. What in the world that's all about, I don't know, but that might explain why his emails are a little less frequent. If I don't see him at the ball, maybe we can grab dinner or a movie. I'll be really happy to see him; to see all of them.

Oddly enough, I haven't heard much from Mic in the last few days. Besides the usual marriage proposals and naming of our future children, he's been relatively quiet. I have continued to email Harm, even though the topics remain casual and light. It was hard not to tell him I'd be back for the weekend, but I think it will be fun to surprise him. I've decided not to compare the two men any longer. I'm going to take one step at a time, and if an opportunity presents itself, then I'll take it. Life is too short not to enjoy but I'm not about to play the desperate card, either. Besides, it's not like I'm in High School and am wearing someone's ring.

* * *

I'm finally home. It's been a long day, but home never looked so good. I'd love to take a long, hot bath and to remain planted on the couch with a good book for the rest of the evening, but the red dress in my closet is calling. I finish blow-drying my hair, applying my make up and the perfect diamond earrings, take one last look in the mirror before I head for the door. I think I look o.k., actually. I catch a glimpse of my own smile in the mirror. I'm happy. It's been a long time since I've been able to say that, but I'm happy. So what if there's no man knocking on my door and offering to lead me away by the hand? I'm o.k. and… I'm happy.

* * *

Wow. I'd forgotten how bad traffic can be around here! Just when I think I'm about to get there, another line of slowed traffic on the beltway appears before me. I'm tempted to call Harriet just to give her a heads up, but that would defeat the whole element of surprise. I finally see the parking lot and zip in to the first open spot that I see. I don't want to run; it's not like I can in this dress, but I'm certainly walking at a brisk pace. I make my way through the lobby and down the long corridor before I see a group of people gathered outside the ballroom doors. There's Harriet. She looks great! She's wearing a black dress with spaghetti straps. I can't wait to see her. I'm not sure who else is standing near her, but there are several of them. As I get closer, I see Harm and my heart skips a beat. The man has a presence about him. Even from behind, without even trying, he gives me butterflies. Just as I am about to sneak up and tap him on the shoulder, Harriet spots me, and apparently, I'm about to be surprised myself. Before I know it, five of us are speaking at once. 

"Major!"

"Mac?"

"Sarah!"

"Mic?"

"Harm?"

I want to crawl in to a hole. Suddenly the walls feel like they're closing in on me. First of all, Mic? What is he--? Before I can open my mouth to speak, I notice the color on Harm's face completely fade and, wait a minute…did she…did that blonde woman over there…did she? Are they? It can't be.

I try to fake a smile, and thankfully, Harriet saves the day. "Major! What a nice surprise! I thought you weren't able to get away!" She hugs me tightly and I find myself not wanting to let go, but I have to.

"Yeah, well, I didn't think I could make it, either, but everything worked out in my favor." I smile, but notice that Mic is making his way over to me. The man never ceases to amaze.

"You look beautiful, luv." He lifts my hand to his mouth and places a barely there kiss.

"Ah, thank you, Mic, but what are you…why are you here?"

"Seems the Commander has a surprise of his own, Major." Harriet informs me with a nervous grin and I can feel Harm's eyes burning a hole in my skin.

"Oh yeah, and what exactly would that be?" I try to seem excited, but really I just want to see Harm and to find out who exactly his date is, and why in the name of all that's holy he even _has_ a date.

"I'm going to be living here now! The Australian Navy has worked out an exchange program, and I'm the lucky bloke that qualified."

Nothing comes out of my mouth. Not a word, not a gasp, not a breath. I'm stunned. Completely and utterly stunned. In fact, I don't think that I can move. I feel myself shrugging my shoulders in an effort to respond in some way to what he's just told me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Harm's figure move away. "I think our table is ready." The blonde says to him, and again I question why I thought this was a good idea.

We can hear the speaker announcing that it is time for everyone to take their seats. Saved again. Mic smiles and offers to escort me in. The guy has only seen me for five minutes and already I feel like I can't breathe. Harriet shoots me a look that says, "We have to talk." And I respond with a nod.

Frankly, I have no idea what the Admiral said in his speech or why he was even given the award in the first place. I should be paying attention, I know. Harm keeps whispering things to that…woman, and while they're not exactly affectionate, I can tell that she would probably like him to be. Mic tries to put his arm around me, but I scoot forward in my chair, politely avoiding physical contact. I don't want to give Harm the wrong impression. But wait, give _Harm_ the wrong impression? It doesn't look like he's trying too hard to do the same.

When the speech is done and the lights come up, Harriet and I both stand at the same time to excuse ourselves. We barely make it to the ladies room before she starts asking questions. "Did you know that Mic was going to be here? Isn't it great? You certainly surprised us! I thought Commander Rabb was going to fall over when he saw you!"

"Harriet, who is Commander Rabb…with?"

"Oh, her? She's the lady I was telling you about that's been filming the commercial. Her name's Renee. She acts like she owns the place." Harriet rolls her eyes, clearly not registering the fact that this bothers me greatly.

"Oh." It's all I can say before I nervously dig through my tiny handbag for one of the only two items inside. My lipstick. I don't even need to re-apply, but there's nothing else that I can do with this nervous energy, so lipstick it is. Harriet watches me in the mirror as if I'm a mile away.

"So? What do you think about Mic? Are you happy that he's going to be here at JAG? What are the odds in that? You getting home at the same time that he gets transferred!"

"Yeah, great." I say with mock enthusiasm. Before Harriet can take this conversation to a place that I don't want her to, I decide that it's time to face the crowd again. I haven't even spoken to Harm yet. How strange. Suddenly I feel like an outsider, but I won't let it stop me. I won't let him think that I'm bothered.

Harriet and I make our way back in to the ballroom and see that the dancing has begun. The crowd is mingling, and thankfully, I don't see blondie anywhere around. Harm sees me enter the room, and tries to approach before Mic steps in. "There you are, Sarah. Care to dance?" He all but grabs my hand.

What I really want is a dance with Harm, but I can't very well refuse one with Mic only to turn around and dance with Harm. He leads me to the floor where everyone else is moving slowly together, smiling, but I turn to look at Harm, still standing there. It isn't long before his date reappears and they exchange a few words. Great. Here they come. Mic is babbling about something, I have no idea what, and here come Harm and Miss Thing on to the dance floor. Let's hope this is a short song.

Mic pulls me close and I pull back, making sure that he knows that I want my space. I look over his shoulder and catch Harm's gaze in my direction. I can't tell if he's upset or sad or just looks like he's been busted. Our eyes are locked. I want to talk to him. I have to. The song comes to an end and before I can say anything to Mic, he's trying to get me to dance to one more song.

"Um, no, thank you, Commander. I think I'm going to catch up with the rest of the gang." I say with a little more firmness than he expects, but I don't care. The man has tried to monopolize my time the entire evening. I wait for Harm and her to come back to the table as well, but instead they stay on the dance floor for the next dance. And the next. Suddenly the sight of them together is more than my stomach can take.

"I think I'm going to turn in for the evening." I say to Harriet, Bud, the Admiral and Mic. "It was nice seeing you again." I smile as if they are casual acquaintances and not the people that I see more than family.

"Major, I assume that you'll be back at JAG within the week?" The Admiral asks.

"If all goes as planned, sir, yes."

He nods, and I reach for my purse.

"Mind if I drive you home?" Mic asks. The man doesn't seem to have a clue.

"I can drive myself. Goodnight." This time I shoot him a glare that says it all. If he tries anything else tonight, I'll know that the man has a death wish.

I find myself walking as quickly to get out of the building as I did to get in. Suddenly I feel like Cinderella at the ball, only I never danced with Prince Charming. The whole evening turned out exactly the opposite as I'd hoped it would, and leaving seems like the best idea I've had all night. I hurry to my car, open the door and place the key in the ignition. I look up one more time, just to see if he's followed me out, but no one. He probably doesn't even know that I've left.

I roll my eyes and laugh out loud. "Great Mackenzie. Just great."


	4. Standing Firm

Mac's POV

Home again. I wish I could say that I'm as happy to be here as I was earlier in the evening. Truth be told, I'm disappointed. I don't know exactly what I had hoped for out of the evening, but it wasn't Mic Brumby in my face or Harm with a gorgeous blonde. I sink in to the cushion of the couch and stare at the sea of red silk in front of me. Slowly I pry the fake eyelashes off of my lid and again, laugh to myself.

Of all times for me to show up some place unannounced, it had to be the same night that Mic announces his arrival at JAG. I wonder how long Harriet had known. Judging by the looks on all of their faces, it wasn't long. I think Harm going pale in the face was just as much a reaction to Mic's announcement as it was to my being there. 

Harm. Just when I start to see him in a different light, there's another blonde on his arm that makes me totally change my perspective on him. Was he not here, only weeks ago, in this very living room telling me, pleading with me, that he wanted to let go? Does he change his mind that quickly? I'm sure that there's more to the story, but I'm not in the mood to try and figure it out on my own. I should call him, but how do I know if he has company or not? Ew. And what if he doesn't want to hear from me? And what would I say, anyway?

Maybe being single isn't such a bad idea. If dating Harmon Rabb is half as complicated as thinking about him is, then I have to seriously wonder if it's worth it. I remove the earrings from my ears and set them gently on the coffee table in front of me when there's a knock on my door. I smile at the thought of him being here. Never mind what I was just thinking two seconds ago. I can't get to the door fast enough when I open it to see—oh. "Hello, Mic."

"Sarah, you left too early this evening. I just wanted to make sure that everything was all right."

That smile is really getting on my nerves and I'm not about to invite him in. In fact, while I have him here, I think it's time we set a few things straight. "I'm fine, Mic. It's been a long day."

"I see. Well what about tomorrow, then? How about a day on the town?" The man is like a dumb dog that keeps chasing the same stick even though I throw it farther away each time.

"Mic, I need you to understand something. If you and I are to have any shot at dating, we have to be friends first." He opens his mouth to object, but I don't allow it. "Let me finish." I hold my hand up. "You have been entirely too…forward with me. You're a nice man and I enjoy your company…" He smiles as if he's just been given a green light. "…when you're not trying to monopolize my time." Now he looks crushed. 

"I'm sorry, Mic. I don't know how else to say it, but there's no way I will consider dating you when you're this close, this soon. It's too much."

Now it's his turn to respond. "I see. So you're asking me to back off a little, is that it?"

I nod. Finally he's getting the picture.

"And if I do, then maybe you'll consider going out with me?"

"We'll see." I don't want to lead him on.

"O.k., then. I guess I'll just see you around." He looks completely dejected and forlorn. Just the sort of melodrama that I _don't_ need right now.

"Goodbye." I say, standing my ground.

I close the door quickly. I hate to rob someone of their exuberance in life, but the guy needed to know that pushing me is not the way to win my heart. Pushing definitely isn't and expecting me to be a mind-reader isn't either! I begin to pull out the pins from my hair when there's another knock on the door. Rolling my eyes, I jerk the door open and without thinking, start in again. "Mic, if this is your idea of— oh. Harm."

He's here. Holy crap, he showed up. Suddenly my legs feel like Jello and I don't know what to say. He looks great. He hasn't been home and I guess that's a good thing. Hopefully he dumped blondie off…

"Mac!" He's talking to me. I wonder how long he's been saying my name and standing in the hallway waiting for my response. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, come on in." I move to the side and close the door behind him. 

He walks in and turns to face me. "So, I guess I'm not the only visitor you've had this evening?"

Is it just me or is he in a really bad mood? If I didn't know better, I'd say that he's about to start a fight.

"Yeah, um. Mic. Mic was here a minute ago, but I—" He suddenly turns away and doesn't let me finish. Yep. He's ticked off about something.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming home?"

Here we go. "I thought it would be fun to surprise everyone." I find myself in defense mode and I'm not sure why.

He's shaking his head, like that's not a good enough answer. 

"I'm sorry if it bothered you that I showed up." I put the ball right back in his court. 

He whips his head around again to face me. "Bothered me? You think it bothered me to see you when I had no idea that you were coming home?" 

"I don't _know_, Harm. Why don't you tell me exactly why it is that you're upset with me."

"Who says I'm upset?"

He's serious! It's almost funny, but now is not the time to laugh. "You're not?" 

"No! I am not upset!"

"Then what am I missing here?"

He's still standing across the room, staring at me with eyes full of…I don't know what, but he doesn't look happy.

"Why didn't you tell me about Brumby." Like a cat with a hairball, he finally spits it out.

Is that what this is about? Brumby? The guy shows up with Barbie Jr. on his arm and we're going to fight about Brumby? O.k., he asked for it.

"What exactly was I supposed to tell you, Harm?" Now I cross my arms over my chest to let him know that I'm not going anywhere; literally or figuratively.

"Oh, gee, Mac, I don't know. Maybe that he was moving half way around the continent?"

"You think I knew about that?"

"You didn't?" He's lost some of his momentum now. I think I surprised him with that one.

"_No,_ Harm, I didn't." His face softens somewhat, but now my jaw is clenched. "Even if I did, can you please explain to me why I should have informed you?"

"Because! Don't you think I have a right to know? I mean, damnit, Mac. The guy gave you a ring five seconds after you ask me—" He stops. O.k., I see now what he's upset about. In his usual Harm way, he's asking _me_ to put a puzzle together for him without giving me all of the pieces. "Nothing. Never mind." He rubs his temple as if he wants to forget everything. He walks over to the couch and plops down. He's cute when he's frustrated, but the fact that I too am frustrated is not helping the matter. He shouldn't get a free pass out of every argument that he starts just because he gets frustrated and looks all…_cute._

Instinctively I want to curl up on the couch beside him. I want to stroke his face and tell him that it's o.k.; that this was all just one big misunderstanding, but I won't. He needs to understand that he can't just waltz in to my apartment with a big ball of yarn, unravel it and then walk out.

Instead, I stand in the same place that I've been for the last several minutes, my arms still folded across my chest.

"Harm, tell me why you're here."

"I don't know. I guess, I just wanted…to see you."

Was that so difficult? I want to scream the question across the room at him.

"I was looking forward to seeing you too." Blondie hasn't come up yet, but if he thinks I'm sweeping that one under the rug, he's got another thing coming. I have to be patient. I don't want to look jealous or petty, even though it's killing me.

He smirks. "So, you didn't know that Brumby was coming to JAG?"

"No, I wasn't aware of that fact."

I notice that he's looking at my hands, which he can't see because they're tucked under my arms. "Again, Harm, I think you should explain to me why you came over here all in a huff."

"I told you. I didn't know you were coming home."

"So I gathered." Oops. I let that one slip, but it felt so good, I don't even care.

Now he looks at me, confused.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I can feel my eyebrow arching. "It means that judging by the looks of things, you would have preferred that I _not _show up."

Now he's mad again. I can tell. He shifts his weight to lean forward on the couch. "Mac, why would you—"

Is he really that stupid? Is he about to play dumb about the date that he had on his arm all evening?

"Just because I was there with someone doesn't mean that I didn't want you there."

That made no sense whatsoever. Is he telling me that now all of a sudden we're just friends? Now I'm the one rubbing my temple. 

"You're not wearing the ring." It comes out of nowhere.

I look up, and then at my hand. It's beginning to become very clear to me that Harm is incensed by Mic's interest in me, but I thought that we cleared this up weeks ago. He's acting childish and I'm about to blow. 

"You're right Harm. I don't always wear the ring." I roll my eyes and walk in to the kitchen to put on some tea. I only grab one cup from the cabinet. The way that he's acting right now…he can get his own stinking tea. I can feel his presence in the kitchen. Just like last time. I finish putting the water on the stove and turn to face him, my patience running low.

"I thought we covered all of this before I left."

He looks down at the floor. I can tell that he's regretting his actions, but I don't care. He's got to get it through his head that he can't have it both ways.

"Did we not?" I continue.

He nods.

"Then I would appreciate it if in the future you would inform me of your need to act like a jealous teenager before coming over here and wrecking any shred of sanity that I have begun to find for myself." I meant for that to come out a lot more forceful than it did. Instead, I sounded like I'm ready to cry. No, I can't. No, no, no. Not this time, pal.

"I'm sorry, Mac." For the first time all night, I see the real Harm emerge.

"Harm, you don't have to be sorry, but I think…I think maybe things weren't as clear for you last time as I'd thought."

"What do you mean?"

Now I take a deep breath. Are we really going to go over all of this again?

"I mean that we agreed that you're not ready to pursue a relationship. At least, not with me right now and that's fine." Damn. I did it again, but I couldn't help it. I can tell that he wants to argue, but I won't let him. "But you have got to get it through your head that I'm not some piece of property that you can stake your claim on and then abandon for months on end, hoping to one day come back and build on." That was a lame analogy, but it seems to have struck a chord. 

"Harm, you will always have my friendship. And for the record, I'm not desperate. I don't know exactly what you think of me, but if Mic Brumby or anyone else for that matter, is not what I'm looking for, then I'm not going to settle."

Why can't he see that in me? Why does he feel so threatened by Mic? Does he not know me at all? Can't he see that the guy is starting to annoy me just as much?

"If…"

I barely heard him say it.

"What?"

"_If_ Mic Brumby or anyone else is not right for you." It's like he's talking to himself.

Now I'm confused. Again. "Harm, you are not making sense. Can you _please_, just once, spell this out for me?"

There is silence in the air and he looks up to stare at me. I meet his gaze and don't even blink. He's going to have to meet me half way. Just as he opens his mouth to speak, the tea kettle shrieks a loud, high-pitched whistle, breaking the mood all together.

I impatiently lift it from the burner and move it to another, never taking my eyes off of Harm. "Please." I say.

His arm has been propped above him in the door frame. He slowly lowers it and takes a step closer in my direction. Oh my, oh my, oh—he's here. Right in front of me, closer than I anticipated. He lifts his hand to cup my face. He's staring so hard at me right now, it's like I'm not even here. I don't know what he sees, but it's like he's in some sort of a trance.

I stand still, allowing him to touch, to stare. I don't want to break his concentration, but this is killing me. He either needs to kiss me or start explaining. At this point, either one would be fine.

"I don't want to lose you." He whispers.

I can feel the confused look spread across my face. "Harm, I've told you that no matter what happens, you'll nev—" 

The next thing I know, his lips are covering mine. Damn him! Where does he get off—oh hell, I'll worry about that later. The man has me completely turned to putty. He's kissing me with a tenderness that I don't think I've ever felt. I'm about to get lost in his embrace when the events of the evening unfold again in my mind. I break the kiss and place some distance between us. Suddenly I'm reminded that he has done very little explaining of his own. He's stormed in here, demanded answers from me without offering any on his part. How do I know he wasn't kissing her the same way only hours ago?

"I can't." I breathe. "I can't do this, Harm. This isn't…you can't have it both ways." I'm getting tired of having to remind him of that, and I'm beginning to resent his arrogance in thinking that he can just…just do this.

He looks away, frustrated. I can't tell if it's at me or at himself, but I don't care. I'm not going to take his leftovers and I'm not going to make myself available for any little scrap that he throws my way. I can't do that. As easy and as tempting as that would be, I can't.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I have to. "I think you should go." It's not what I want and not what I mean, but I can feel that my brain has taken over. 

He lets out a long sigh and doesn't move. Good. I'm glad. I was afraid that he'd run out of here and slam the door behind him.

"Harriet said that you have to go back?"

I nod.

"When?"

"I have twenty-eight hours." 

His hand has never left my face and now he's dragged it slowly down my neck and plants it on my shoulder. He gives it a small squeeze and at this, I close my eyes. I don't know what the man wants, and it's taking a toll on my emotions.

"Mac, I'm sorry for ruining your evening. I'm glad to see you. I really am. That's all--that's all I wanted to say." I feel his hand leave my shoulder and for the life of me, I can't bring myself to open my eyes. I know he's walking away, and I don't want to see it. Not again.

I hear the door close gently, and suddenly I'm mad. He did it. He left. He came over here, argued, kissed me, and then left. I grab the potholder sitting on the counter and throw it at the door. 

"_Damnit_." I mutter to myself while wiping a tear from my eye. 


	5. Breaking Through

A/N: I'm switching back and forth between first and third person POV. I hope it's not too confusing! Also, I know that the Langley references might be kind of a stretch, but it's the best that I could do! There are some slow parts in this chapter, I admit, but we're moving right along atthe end.

* * *

Mac decided to go for a long run the next morning. Even though she had slept very little the night before, she knew that she had to get up and get moving. Staring at the walls in her apartment was doing nothing for her. She had sent them both away last night. One deserved it and the other? She wasn't so sure. She hated it that Harm had a way of getting inside of her brain the way he did. Complicated! Everything with Harm was so complicated. Or was it? Was there something about her that was causing him to send so many mixed messages? She had tried to be very clear with him and Mic, for that matter, but maybe it _was_ her. Maybe there was something deep inside that she wasn't seeing. She hoped that a long run in the park and a little introspection would clear her mind. 

She must have replayed the conversation with Harm over a thousand times in her head. _He's reaching out to you._ She thought to herself. _In his own, warped way, he's trying, Mackenzie. Give the guy a break. _As soon as she convinced herself of this, darker thoughts came creeping in to her head. _He was with another woman! And think about the explanation that he gave you last night—none! He didn't say that he didn't like her, didn't want to date her. He said nothing! _She ran for several more yards before this thought was challenged as well. _But he was kissing you!_

Her pace quickened until she was barely able to breathe. She felt like screaming, but couldn't find the air in her lungs that was required. She decided to slow down and walk. Spotting an empty bench along the path, she sat down in an effort to steady her breathing and her thoughts. Several people ran by, some walked with their dogs. She welcomed the sight of the vast, open space before her. It would be a matter of hours before she was back on the Guadalcanal, and she wanted to savor the air and the greenery all around.

At the sound of laughter, she turned to see a couple jogging toward her. They were both smiling and seemed to be comfortable with one another. The first thought that came to her mind was that she and Harm must look like that when they run together. It had been a long time since they'd done it, but when they did, they laughed and joked and challenged one another in a fun loving way. She missed that. She missed the friendship that they shared before Sydney and before the lines of communication became blurred.

She smiled to herself and stood to finish her run. _I know exactly what I'll do_. She thought to herself, and made her way back home. It was later that evening when she slipped on her flip-flops, grabbed her keys and headed out the door. She stopped by her favorite Chinese restaurant and ordered take out for two. Setting the warm brown bag beside her in the car, she headed off toward Harm's. So maybe the night before hadn't gone as planned, but today was a new day. They were friends above all else, and she couldn't think of a better way to spend her last night at home than with a friend and some Kung Pao chicken.

She stepped off of the elevator feeling confident once more. There would be no talk of dating, relationships or anything else complicated. She hoped that they could just sit and chat and hang out like they used to.

Mac knocked on the door and when it opened, almost fell over.

"Can I help you?" She asked, acting like she owned the place.

"I'm Sarah Mackenzie. I work with Harm."

"Oh right, yeah. You were at the ball." She stood in place, looking Mac up and down, never offering to let her in. After a moment of silence, Mac spoke.

"Is Harm around?" She was trying to be the bigger woman here, but it was proving to be a difficult task.

"He's in the shower, actually." Another pause. "Is there something that you needed?"

Mac was seething. This woman knew exactly what she was doing and Mac didn't like it one bit. "Just tell him that I stopped by if you don't mind."

Renee smiled a fake smile and closed the door almost in Mac's face. The tears came quickly. Her eyes were burning and she felt like a school girl who hadn't been asked to play. But it was more than that. Even though Harm was taking awhile to get there, she truly felt that deep down, he loved her. This other woman was a cruel reminder that when Harm meant "not yet", he meant it. Any hope that Mac may have been carrying in the last several weeks was shattered now.

She climbed in to her car and left the parking lot as quickly as possible, wanting no part of this game any longer. The tears continued to fall as she quickly changed the radio station from a sappy love song to a more upbeat one. The U.S.S. Guadalcanal was waiting, and in a matter of hours, she would be back on board and far, far away from this mess.

Renee had made herself comfortable at Harm's, flipping through a magazine and sipping a glass of wine that she had poured for herself. When he came out of the shower, he was surprised to see her looking so at home.

"Did I hear someone at the door?" He asked, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Oh, yeah. Some lady you work with." She replied, never looking up from her magazine.

Harm stopped what he was doing and suddenly his heart sank. "Did she tell you her _name_?"

"Mm-hmm." She turned another page. "Sarah, I think."

Harm threw his water bottle on to the counter and lifted Renee by the elbow and showed her to the door.

"Harm, what are you doing? What about the—"

"You have to get out of here. _Now_." He said, following her out of the apartment and closing the door behind him.

"But what about the video?"

"Figure it out yourself." He yelled behind him as he ran down the stairs to the parking lot.

"Wait! Harm—"

It was too late. He was in his car and gone. He immediately picked up his cell phone and dialed her number. No answer, of course. He tried calling her at home. No answer.

"Damnit, Mac. Where are you?" He muttered to himself.

He drove by her apartment and saw that her car was not there. He decided to call Harriet, who wasn't much help.

"I'm sorry, sir. I spoke to her this morning after her run, but she didn't tell me what plans she had for the day other than leaving."

"Thanks, Harriet." He hung up the phone and slammed his hand on the console beside him.

_Damnit Rabb. Why should you be surprised? You had this coming. _

Langley. He knew that at some point she had to be there to go back to the Guadalcanal, so he decided to make that his destination. It was a long shot, but he had to see her before she left. He tried calling her cell one more time, but she wasn't answering. He knew that she had to leave tonight, but he wasn't sure when. If he could make it to her transport before take off, maybe he could talk to her.

He tried not to think about the ramifications that this latest misunderstanding may have caused. He knew that he had been a source of frustration, and now this. He drove as fast as he could, hoping that the three hour drive would magically take less time. It was crazy driving this far on a whim, but the thought of losing her was overpowering any logic at this point.

Unbeknownst to them both, Mac wasn't that far ahead of Harm on the interstate. She was completely lost in thought and was trying to calm herself down before leaving. This felt like a huge blow to her confidence and she hated that. After feeling level-headed about Mic and Harm both, she felt like the rug had been jerked out from underneath. It wasn't the first time, though, and she gave herself the tough Marine talk that had gotten her out of many a funk in the past.

She flashed her ID at the gate upon entering Langley and checked her watch to see that she was an hour and a half early. She made her way around the back to the airstrip that she needed to report to, and parked her car. Grabbing her bag out of the back, she headed to the office to let them know of her arrival.

"The helo is set to depart as scheduled, ma'am." The officer said from behind the desk.

"Great. I'll be back in awhile." She said.

Remembering that she had left a book in her car, she began walking back to get it. Looking out across the parking lot, she stopped dead in her tracks. There was Harm, standing next to her car, just staring at her. He was wearing his faded blue jeans and an olive green T-shirt. _He must have left his apartment right after I did_. She thought to herself. They were too far away to hear each other, and she had no idea what to do next, so she just stood still, and looked away for a moment before looking back to see him walking slowly toward her.

She suddenly felt nervous, but had no idea why. When he finally approached, he stopped directly in front of her, leaving very little distance between them.

"What are you doing here?" She asked with neither anger nor disappointment.

"I'm sorry I missed you earlier."

"It's no big deal."

"Yes it is."

"Harm, why are you here?" She felt like she had to ask him that every time that she saw him now.

"I couldn't let you leave without seeing you, Mac. Can we talk, over there?" He motioned toward their cars and reached out to take her hand in his; a move that caught her off guard.

She followed him to her car where he turned around and leaned back against the hood. His legs were spread slightly and he positioned her just between them, never letting go of her hand.

"I've been an idiot." He began. This time, he wasn't angry, wasn't panicking and wasn't trying to look away. Instead, he looked right in to her eyes. "I was so afraid of losing you to someone else that I never stopped to think that maybe I should worry more about losing you to me."

The confused look reappeared on her face and her eyebrow shot up immediately, but she stood silently, allowing him to speak. It was the first time that she had heard him form his thoughts into words and she was not about to interrupt.

"My fears, my insecurities and my—jealousy have all made me act like someone that I don't like very much, and I don't blame you for not liking me, either. I realized this weekend that letting go isn't the problem. It's hanging on. I want to hang on to what we have so desperately that I don't want anything or anyone to mess that up. The problem is, _I'm_ the one messing us up. I've been so busy playing guard dog for you that I haven't stopped to look at my own actions and how they might be pushing you away."

Mac took a deep breath. This was getting good. Still a little confusing, but good. She looked down at the pavement beneath her feet.

"Harm, I told you that you would never lose my friendship."

"I know, and I believe that. But it's…more."

"What do you mean?"

Now he was the one to look away and then down. "I know that I have your friendship. It's your love that I'm not so sure about."

She looked up at him, stunned. She could see that he was retreating back in to his shell and she didn't want to have to go back to jumping through hoops to get him to speak his mind.

"Harm, committing isn't easy for either one of us. It's a big step to jump from friendship to…more, and the last thing that I ever wanted was for you to make that leap before—or if you're not ready."

"I know that."

"So then why all the games? I thought we had this figured out. When and if the time was right, we could test the waters. But if that time never came, then we would always be friends." She shook her head in frustration. "If I could go back to that night on the ferry…I would have _never_—" She mumbled.

"Mac, don't say that."

"Why not? Look what it's done to us! It's had you running to me and then away. It's had me looking like I'm pining away for you and all…desperate or something!"

"We both know that's not true."

"I'm not so sure about that. About any of this."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means—it means that if I had never said anything, then we wouldn't be dealing with this right now. Life would be the same as it was before."

"And I wouldn't have begun to face my feelings for you."

"Is that what's happening? Because from where I sit, it doesn't appear to be a very pleasant experience for you!"

She was right. But not in the way that she thought and he just had to try to find the right words now for it to make sense.

He squeezed her hands in his. "Mac, this may come as a complete surprise to you, but I've always known deep down that you and I were meant to be together. I didn't know when and I didn't know how, but I knew, or rather I assumed, that things would work out in our favor. What I didn't admit was that I was waiting for you to do all of the work. You were supposed to be first chair, I guess, because I was so terrified of messing it up that I didn't know where to begin. And that night, in Sydney, when you took the lead, it scared me, but not in the way that you think. I was happy. Elated, even. I just couldn't…I didn't know what to do next."

"You wanted me to keep pushing?"

"Not necessarily."

She shook her head again. "I'm confused, Harm. I hear what you're saying, but something is getting lost in translation."

"I know. And I'm sorry."

"For the millionth time, I don't want you to be _sorry,_ Harm. I want you to be you. If that includes me in your life as your friend or as more, then great. If not, then you need to know that I can deal. I just need some clarification; that's all I'm looking for, which I _thought _we had given."

"You did."

"Then I don't understand why you're seeing someone else and why you care if I see Mic."

"I'm not seeing her, Mac."

"Oh really? If not seeing someone looks like that, then I'd hate to see what you're like when you are with someone."

"I deserved that. But you have to know that any dealings that I had with Renee were strictly work-related. I had to spend way more time on that stupid commercial than I wanted. She has been my shadow for so long and it was starting to get on my nerves. The sooner we could wrap things up, the better. I just had to give my final opinion on the finished product and that was it. Finito. I had and have no interest in her."

He continued, letting his words sink in with her. "And as for Mic...I figured out that I can't stand him because he's strong where I'm weak. He knows what to say to you and when and has the confidence that you like. I feel threatened by him."

A small smile spread across her face.

"Well you shouldn't be. He has too much confidence and could use a lesson or two from you." She laughed and he smiled.

"Oh yeah, like communication 101? How _not_ to have a conversation?"

They laughed again, and he shifted his weight on the back of her car. He pulled her forward, never letting go of her hands.

"You're not that bad."

"With you, I am. We both know it."

"Gee, thanks. I guess I should be flat—" The words escaped her mouth before she realized what she was saying. The laughter stopped. Suddenly the air between them was thick.

"You should, Sarah." He whispered. He laced his fingers with hers and pulled her gently towards him. She was watching his mouth get closer and closer until his lips descended on to hers. He pulled her forcefully to him now, and circled her back with his arms. She hesitantly reached up to cup his face; the kiss slowly gaining momentum. He took the initiative and deepened the kiss; his hands now moving furiously around her back. He wanted to take her in; all of her. Showing no signs of breaking for air, she let out a soft moan of approval.

They stood like this, kissing, exploring, clinging to one another, in complete disregard for their surroundings. When someone behind her cleared his throat, the two were snapped back to reality.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but the helo is ready."

She wiped the corner of her mouth and took a deep breath. "Thank you. I'll be right there."

The young airman turned to walk away, leaving Mac in the arms of a man that showed no interest in letting her go.

"Guess it's a good thing you're not in uniform." She laughed, but he wasn't smiling. "We're getting too good at saying goodbye." She whispered, wiping the corners of his mouth with her thumb.

He leaned in for another kiss. This one long but gentle. "I don't want you to go." He said, now kissing her on the forehead, nose, chin and cheek.

"It's only for a few days. I hope."

"It better be." He continued his assault of kisses, pulling her closer toward him every time she tried to pull away.

"Harm, I have to go." She smiled.

"I know." He finally let go of her hands and removed his lips from her face.

"Thank you." Her eyes grew dark and serious.

"For what?"

"For coming here. For opening up to me."

"I should have done it a long time ago, Sarah."

"The past is past." She reached down to grab her bag.

"When you get back, I'll be here. Right here. You know that, don't you?"

"I think I do now." She smiled and began walking backwards. She gave him a small wave and then turned around to board the awaiting helo in front of her.

"Sarah!" He yelled, running up to block her path.

"What?" She smiled. She was beautiful when she smiled. He hadn't seen it in so long, it took his breath away.

"I…I want this more than anything." It wasn't what he was about to say, but he chickened out at the last minute.

She smiled again and touched his cheek. "Bye, Harm."

This time, she was walking away and it was with a smile on her face instead of tears. He had finally taken the first step. He let go, and it wasn't nearly as scary as he'd feared.


	6. Room 214

Harm was smiling the whole way home. He flipped on his windshield wipers and didn't even care that it was raining. He finally did it. He opened up to her and told her how he felt. Mostly, anyway. The rest he would save for a more appropriate time. He didn't want to lay it on too thick too soon. He smiled again at the thought of her in his arms. It felt so right. Maybe a stroke of desperation was the motivation that he needed. He couldn't stop thinking about her. He'd never felt this way about anyone and he missed her already.

The rain turned in to a heavy down pour as he traveled the rest of the way to his apartment. He wished that she was there with him. A rainy weekend night with Mac sounded perfect. He grabbed some leftovers from the fridge and turned on some music. Their conversation was now on repeat play in his mind. Mac always had a way of making him feel at ease. With no other woman had he ever been able to be so honest.

He washed the plate and fork that he had used for dinner and made his way to the bedroom. It was late and he was tired. He changed in to sweats and fell face down on to his bed. Just a few days longer and Mac would be home. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

It was three hours later when the phone rang, waking him from his sleep. _Must be Mac._ He thought to himself, and reached hurriedly for the phone. 

"Rabb." He almost said, "Hey Ninja Girl", but something told him not to, and it was a good thing. The smile faded immediately from his face. "Admiral."

"Commander, I'm sorry to bother you but there's been an incident that I thought you should be aware of. It seems Major Mackenzie's helo encountered some rough weather shortly after take off." Harm's stomach sank and he felt his heart stop beating.

"Sir—"

The Admiral continued. "They were able to recover the Major and one of the pilots, but the other has not yet been located. They're bringing them in to Bethesda right now. I thought you should know."

"Admiral, what happened? I was there! I watched her take off. The weather was…it was raining." He wasn't thinking clearly. Nor did he care that the Admiral knew that he had been there to see her off. The rain. He thought nothing of it at the time, but now… the thought of her drifting somewhere in the Atlantic was about to make him lose his dinner. He was driving home, oblivious, and at the same time she was out there, probably crying for help.

"They lost radio contact almost immediately. It was over an hour before they were found." There was silence on both ends. "I assume that I'll see you there?" 

"Yes—yes sir." He hung up the phone and sprang from his bed, grabbing the first pair of jeans that he saw and an old, wrinkled sweatshirt. He threw on a pair of shoes and was out the door. 

_This can't be happening. _He thought to himself. _Not her. Not now._ He tried to push aside the anxiety that was taking over. It was cold, and dark and rainy and she had been—dear God, she had been in the ocean waiting for someone to rescue her! Was she afraid? Was she alert? He was going crazy with questions.

He made it to Bethesda in record time. He ran through the automatic double doors and to the nurses behind the desk, appeared to be a crazed individual. "Mackenzie. Sarah Mackenzie. They were supposed to bring her here. Where—where can I find her?" Desperation was written all across his face. The nurse to his left typed something in to the computer. "Looks like she's just arrived. They don't have a room for her yet, but she's on the second floor. Trauma unit." 

This time he thought sure that he was going to puke. Trauma? Of course she was there. Mac had suffered a trauma. The stench and the fluorescent lighting and the word "trauma" were all coming at him so fast. It felt surreal. One minute he was kissing her; holding her in his arms and now? He was wandering the halls of a hospital trying to find her; hoping to see if she was—alive.

Harm was wearing holes in the carpet of the waiting room. The Admiral sat in a chair in the corner and said nothing. He was no dummy. He had watched these two fight for years and wondered when they would figure out their mutual attraction. "Commander, you'll drive yourself crazy asking yourself all those questions. Let's just make sure that she's all right." He knew Harm better than he liked to let on and if the truth were told, saw a lot of himself in him.

"Are you here for Major Mackenzie?" The doctor asked, approaching Harm and the Admiral.

"Yes! How is she?" Harm couldn't respond quickly enough.

The Admiral stood to greet the doctor. "She's resting. For now. When she came in she was in Stage II of shock."

"What does that mean?" Harm asked.

"Her symptoms were compatible with those of someone in shock. She appeared to be in pain but confused, incoherent. Her blood pressure was very low and she was very pale, cold and clammy. It's a good thing that she got here when she did, or we'd be looking at something much more serious."

"So she's going to be o.k.?"

"We have her stabilized for now. We've given her some fluids and her blood pressure seems to have risen to a reasonable rate. We're going to monitor heart least through the night, but if I were to guess, I'd say that she'll pull through with minimal complications."

"Minimal?" 

"Everyone responds to shock in different ways. Sometimes the emotional reaction is worse than the physical. She's going to need a lot of rest and a lot of emotional support." 

"When can I see her?"

"You can go in now, but try to remain as quiet as possible. It's critical that she get her rest right now and that her breathing and blood pressure remain stable. She's in room 214." 

"Thank you, doctor." The Admiral said, again shaking his hand.

"I have to go see her."

"Lead the way." The Admiral replied. He had to see for himself that she was o.k. Sometimes his calm, in-control demeanor was a complete cover up for what he was feeling inside. The fact that someone under his chain of command had just been dumped into the Atlantic was more unsettling than he liked to let on.

When Harm stepped in to her room, he was overcome with emotion. She looked so frail, so helpless. Her skin was still pale and she was lying on the bed, completely still. He had never seen the feisty marine looking so weak. He immediately pulled a chair to the side of her bed and took her hand in his, drawing it to his cheek and holding it there for comfort. The Admiral stood in the corner. He had seen what he wanted to see.

"I expect to be informed if her condition changes." He said from behind.

Harm nodded, trying hard not to let his emotions spill over in front of his CO.

"Very well then. I'll be back later."

When Harm heard the door close behind him, he dropped his head to her side. The magnitude of the situation had finally taken its toll. He covered her limp hand with both of his. "I'm here, Sarah. Right here." He could barely whisper.

When the nurses came in throughout the morning, they had to work around the man whose large frame was fixed to the side of Mac's bed. He dozed in and out of sleep, but mostly kept a watchful eye on his marine, never letting her hand leave his.

It was hours later when he felt movement from where she lay. He sat up immediately and looked to see her eyes fighting to open. He could see the confusion immediately and was thankful that she wasn't waking up to this nightmare alone.

"Hey, Mac." He said, rubbing her head.

She looked at him, startled at first. Panic spread across her face as her eyes searched her surroundings, clearly confused.

"It's o.k., Sarah. You're o.k." He tried to reassure.

She pulled her head back to get a better look at him. He could tell the moment that it all began to register in her mind.

"Harm—" Her bottom lip began to quiver. Her eyes filled with tears and her breathing became more labored.

He leaned down to take her in his arms the best that he could from his position. "You're going to be o.k. Don't worry, Mac. It's going to be o.k."

"Don't—don't leave me." She cried, clinging to him for dear life.

"Never." He whispered, turning his head to kiss her cheek. "You're not getting rid of me."


	7. New Beginnings

One month later

"When are you going to tell me where we're going?" Mac asked from the passenger seat of the car.

"Patience, Marine. Patience." He smiled and reached across to grab her hand.

"Am I underdressed?"

"Not at all. You look great." He smiled.

"Have I been there before?"

"No. And you ask too many questions." He lifted her hand to his mouth for a kiss.

"I can't help it. It's in my job description."

"But you're not at work right now."

"Point taken."

They drove fifteen minutes out of D.C. and in to a small community that she had never seen before. He let go of her hand and reached behind her to grab something from the backseat.

"Here. You're going to have to put this on." He said as he pulled in to a convenient store parking lot and handed her a U.S. Navy bandana.

She looked at him, puzzled. "Excuse me?"

"Trust me. Put it on."

She let out a sigh and began to wrap it around her eyes. "You could have at least given me a camouflage one." She smiled.

"Like I have so many of those lying around at home."

"Well if I would have known that I would end up blindfolded, I could have brought my own. This doesn't exactly match my outfit."

"Navy goes with everything."

"Very funny." She laughed. "So how much longer?"

"We're almost there." He made his way out of the parking lot and she could tell that he made two left turns. They drove for several more yards, stopped at a stop sign and then made a right turn.

She could feel the car slow down. There was a small bump, a little more driving and then the car came to a complete stop. Harm turned the engine off and let out a deep breath.

"Are you o.k.?" She couldn't see him, but she could sense his every move.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine I think. Just a little nervous."

"You're not the one in the blindfold."

He smiled. "Good point." There was silence again. "Mac," He reached across to take both of her hands in his. "This…surprise that I have for you…if it's, I don't know. If it's too much and you don't like it, I hope that you'll tell me."

"I'm sure I'll love it, whatever it is."

"I don't know about that. It's a little over the top for me."

"I trust you. Remember?" She gave his hand a squeeze. "Now the sooner I get out of this blindfold, the sooner I'll be able to tell you what I really think."

He took another deep breath. "O.k. then, wait there. I'll come around to help you out."

She could hear his door close and soon hers was opened. "Careful, Marine." He helped her out of the car and let her several feet away. She could feel the cold air on her face and grass beneath her feet.

He moved to stand behind her and placed his hands on the back of her bandana, ready to untie the knot. She smiled in anticipation. "This is so exciting." She clasped her hands together.

"I hope you think it's exciting when you see it." He was getting nervous and she could tell.

"Harm, it's going to be fine! Just let me see it already."

"O.k., here you go."

He untied the knot, freeing her view. He took a step back, awaiting her response.

He heard her gasp, but other than that, she didn't move.

To say that she was completely overwhelmed was an understatement. There, in front of her, was a beautiful, white, Cape Cod style house with a navy blue front door and a humongous red ribbon wrapped around it. To her right was a real estate sign with the word "Sold" resting on top.

When he finally got the nerve to walk around to where she stood, he was more nervous than ever. Maybe it was a bad sign that she didn't move. Maybe it was all making sense and she was trying to think of a way to let him down gently.

"Mac—" He began, but then he heard a sniffle. And then another, and then a bigger gasp.

"Sarah?" He turned her to face him and saw that tears were streaming down her face.

She bit her lip in an effort to say something, but the words would not escape. The wrinkles began to form across his forehead. Now he was worried. Was this a good thing, the tears? Was she upset? Happy? The last month had been an emotional one. They had spent every free moment that they had together. He made sure that he took her on official dates; opening doors for her, pulling out her chair, bringing her flowers and treating her like a lady. It took no time at all to find a comfortable rhythm with each other. There had been no arguments or disagreements, although she was still plagued by nightmares and bouts of crying. Harm had encouraged her to seek counseling to deal with the lingering effects of the crash, and had even attended with her several times for support. Maybe this was a crazy idea. Maybe one more big change in her life was too much for her right now.

The questions were flooding his brain when finally she smiled. She fanned her hand in front of her face the way women often do when they're trying to stop crying, and she smiled again. "I'm sorry. It's just—" She wiped her tear stained cheeks. "It's beautiful."

The tension immediately left his shoulders and a smile covered his face. "You're sure?"

She nodded and wiped the remaining tears. "I love it."

In his excitement, he grabbed her hand and pulled her up to the front porch. "Good. Then I can't wait for you to see the inside." He reached inside his pocket and pulled out a key.

After unlocking the door, they stepped inside to a bare house with lots of white shelving and cabinetry and wood floors throughout. "It's beautiful." Mac exclaimed, running her hand along the chair rail and walking from room to room.

Harm followed close behind, pointing out every closet, nook and cranny.

"What's upstairs?" She asked, making her way to the steps.

"Four bedrooms."

She turned to look at him. "Four?"

He wondered if this seemed excessive.

"I can't wait to see them." She smiled and made her way upstairs.

She looked in to the three smaller bedrooms, admiring the view from every room and the bathroom in the hall. There was one room left to see. It was at the end of the hall, off to itself.

"This is the master bedroom." He said, opening the door for her.

When she walked inside, she was surprised yet again. There, on the floor was a red and white checkered table cloth with glasses, plates, fruit, bread and cheese. A pair of candles stood tall in the center, waiting to be lit.

Harm pulled a lighter out of his pocket and knelt down to light them.

Mac was again overcome with emotion. "Harm, I—I don't know what to say." She began tearing up yet again.

He held his hand up for her and pulled her down beside him. "Say that you'll have dinner with me in our new house."

"_Our_ new house" She repeated, as if saying it aloud would make it official.

He stretched out on his side and propped himself up on his arm.

"I have a speech, you know."

"Oh really?"

"Mmm-hmm." He leaned in for a kiss. It was slow and gentle at first, just like the many that they had shared in weeks past. This time, however, the intensity grew quickly and she found herself stretched out beside him on the floor. Just as he was about to roll over on to his back, they heard a loud noise from the street, and she jumped, breaking their contact.

"Mac, it's o.k. It was just a car door."

She shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize." He said, rubbing her back.

"How long is it going to be like this?"

"I wish I had an answer. Dr. Wiggins thinks that you've made great strides already, Mac."

"But will it ever be enough? I've been in combat situations, Harm. This—this was different and no matter how hard I try, I can't get it out of my head."

"Mac, I don't know anyone that could go through what you did and not still be affected."

"You keep saying that."

"It's true."

"I hate this, being so jumpy and emotional all the time. I feel like I have no control over my emotions."

"I know it's frustrating, but the doctor said that this would probably happen."

She smiled. "You've been so patient with me."

"It's nothing that you haven't done for me."

"Thank you. For everything. For being there for me and helping me through this; for taking my mind off of it all so much in the past month. I'm going to try to not let this affect us any more than it has to."

"We're a team, Mac. Whatever you're going through, we'll deal with together, good or bad." He lifted her hand and kissed it.

"Was that the speech?" She smiled.

"No, actually it wasn't."

"Well, Commander, the floor is yours."

"Are you sure you want to hear a speech from me?"

"Of course I do."

"O.k., then there's one more thing that you have to do first."

"It doesn't involve a blindfold, does it?"

"You should be so lucky." He laughed. "Open the picnic basket."

"What?"

"Open the picnic basket. There's one final surprise for you inside."

She was curious and cautious. She slowly opened the lid to the picnic basket and looked inside. At the bottom, all by itself, sat a small velvet box. She looked at it, and then looked at Harm, who simply gave her a nod.

She reached in and slowly pulled it out, staring at it.

"Open it, Sarah."

Her hands now shaking, she lifted the top of the box and saw the most beautiful, square cut diamond ring that she had ever seen in her life. It was big, but not overwhelming and set in athin platinum band.

As if on cue, the tears again began to fall. "Oh—" It was all that she could say.

Harm gently took the box from her and pulled the ring out, reaching for her left hand. "Now, it's time for the speech."

He slowly slid the ring on to her left hand and sat up to face her; his own emotions threatening to take over.

"Mac, when I told you that I've always known that we were meant for each other, I meant it. The first time I saw you I knew it; the first time we kissed, I felt it. No other woman in this world has cared for me, challenged me, supported me and stood by my side the way that you have."

Her tears were falling freely now as she sat in awe in front of the man who only weeks ago couldn't find the words to explain how he felt.

"I want a future with you more than anything. When I watched you walk away that night, I knew without a shadow of a doubt. I want you to be my wife, Sarah, and I want us to have a family and to do all of the things that will make you happy. That's why I bought this house. It might be a little big, and it might have been impulsive, but it felt right. Something that I have learned from you is that I shouldn't ignore my instincts. So, if you're willing, and when you're ready, I'm all yours; house and all." He smiled, and had to take a moment to compose himself before continuing.

"A very wise woman once told me that she would wait for me until I was ready. She was patient and never pushed and I thank her for that. So I want to return the favor. This is all that I have to offer you, Sarah. My heart. We can take as long as you need, and if this is too much pressure, then just say the word. I'll back off and we can slow things down." He bit his bottom lip and took another moment before continuing.

"After the accident…well, I was never so scared in my entire life. The thought of losing you is more than I can handle, Sarah. I've let too much time pass already. I'm not going to waste another day without telling you—" This was harder than he thought. Not because he was nervous, but because he was so emotional.

"—without telling you that I love you."

She let out a gasp, a sob and a laugh all in one. She wiped the now annoying tears away from her cheeks and reached up to cup his face.

"That was the best speech I think I've ever heard." She smiled. "And I just have three things to say to you. Yes, I don't want to wait, and I love you too. So much, Harmon Rabb." She leaned in for a kiss of affirmation that quickly turned in to a mind-numbing explosion of senses. "So much." She breathed, as he slowly laid back, pulling her down with him.

* * *

A/N: O.k., I hope the angst was worth it! There may be an epilogue or another chapter, we'll see. Thanks for the kind reviews! 


	8. Happiness At Home

"Remind me why we thought it was a good idea to paint _after_ we moved all of our furniture in?" Mac asked as she dipped her brush gently in to the can of paint.

"Because we like a challenge." Harm answered from the other side of the room.

"I think I've had my fill of challenges in the past few months. A quiet, boring life sounds fine with me."

"Is that what I am to you? Boring?" Harm joked.

"Life with you could never be boring, Flyboy. I just meant that I'm ready for things to calm down."

"Well after the reception, it will just be you and me against the world."

She continued with careful strokes of the brush back and forth against the wall before her. "Harm?"

"Mmm-hmm?"

"I haven't heard your brush move for twelve and a half seconds now."

"I'm distracted."

"You just had a coffee break!"

"That's not what's distracting me." He was now standing directly behind her, with his arms wrapped around the front of her waist and his mouth nuzzled behind her ear.

She smiled and shrugged her shoulders in an effort to deny his touch. "Huh, I see…" She tried to keep painting, but he was making it difficult.

"You're beautiful, do you know that Mrs. Rabb?" He was now planting kisses up and down her neck and shoulder.

"I'm hardly a vision of beauty today." Her hair was pulled back in a bandana and she was wearing a white tank top under faded denim overalls.

"I beg to differ." He continued planting baby soft kisses on every inch of exposed skin that he could find.

"You'll say anything to get out of work." She tried to admonish him, but instead had fallen under his spell yet again. She set her paintbrush down on the dresser beside her and turned to face him.

"Hi." He said between kisses.

"Hi." He made her smile and made her melt at once. She reached up to place a kiss on his lips, which he returned with full force. He began walking them backwards to the bed that was now in the middle of the floor, with furniture all around.

"Harm?" She mumbled as best she could, with her lips on his.

"Hmmm?"

"What… about… painting?" He had now pulled her down on the bed with him.

"Later." He brushed his hand over her hair and pulled her closer. The kissing continued and the passion soon escalated. "I love you." He whispered as he often did, and she silently vowed to never grow tired of hearing him say it. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to be lost in the moment.

The recently wed couple had relished their time together as husband and wife in their new home. The nightmares had lessened and Mac thought a little less about the accident every day. Harm made sure to express his love for her beyond just the physical. He left her notes on the mirror and flowers in her car. If someone could have predicted his future years ago, he never would have believed them. Loving Sarah Mackenzie was like breathing to him. In fact, he realized that in the years before they were together, he felt like he'd been holding his breath, just waiting to exhale. The fears and the doubts that he had clung to in the past were now ancient history. He was comfortable with her in a way that he couldn't explain.

It was two hours later when Mac opened her eyes. "Harm!" She said, looking around the room. "I think we fell asleep."

"Mmm." He mumbled from his dream-like state.

" I think there's a paintbrush over there with your name on it." She said while drawing circles lazily on his chest.

"Later." He said, turning his head the other direction, causing her to smile. At times he was like a little boy in a man's body, and this was one of them. She loved seeing this side of him, though, and couldn't muster up the energy to be annoyed.

She leaned over the bed to where he lay and planted a kiss on his cheek. "Sleep tight." She whispered, pulling a blanket over his sleeping form.

The next day when he awoke, he found the furniture all in its place with the exception of the bed. The painting was complete, the light fixtures in place and even a picture on the wall. He looked over at the nightstand and saw a note.

"Once again the Marine outlasts the Squid. Gone for a run. Coffee is hot. So are you." She had drawn a smiley face beside her name and he laughed. Waking up this happy felt almost criminal. He threw the blankets to the side and planted his feet on the ground, rubbing his eyes in an effort to wake up.

As he staggered down the steps, he heard movement from the kitchen. "Hey." He smiled, making his way to where she stood, and then he stopped. She was leaning up with one hand trying to get a bottle from the top cabinet, while gripping her back with the other.

"Are you o.k.? Let me help you with that." He took the bottle of aspirin from the shelf and handed it to her.

"Thanks." She smiled, grabbing a glass of water.

"What's wrong with your back?"

"Nothing, I'm sure. Probably just reached wrong when I was painting."

He nodded. "The room looks great. I'm sorry I wimped out on you." He leaned down to give her a kiss.

"No problem, but next time, I'm napping while _you_ work." She smiled and handed him a cup of coffee.

"So are we ready for tonight?"

"I think so. I need to go to the florist, but other than that, there's not much to do. The caterers will be here at six."

"I'm looking forward to it." He leaned against the counter, placing his free arm around her.

"You don't think it's strange that we're hosting our own wedding reception?" She asked.

"Not at all. This is our home. What better place to celebrate?"

"I agree, but I'm not sure Harriet does." She smiled and sipped the hot coffee from the mug in her hands.

"Harriet's just mad that she couldn't plan it herself" He rolled his eyes.

"I think you're right. But she means well."

"I know." He planted a kiss on the top of her head. "So where's my honey-do list for the day?"

"Don't have one. I think we should take it easy today. No stress."

"I like the sound of that."

She set her coffee cup in the sink. "I call shower." She said over her back. He smiled and set his coffee cup down.

"And I'll put the bed back where it belongs."

"'Bout time you made yourself useful." She muttered under her breath.

"I heard that." He said as he followed her up the stairs.

LATER THAT EVENING 

"Wow. Where did you find that dress?" He asked as she emerged from the bathroom.

"You like it?" She twirled around in a circle, allowing the champagne colored silk to flutter around her.

"Like it? It's amazing." He stopped straightening his tie and reached out his hands. "Come here."

He sat on the chair behind him and pulled her down on to his lap, giving her a gentle kiss on the arm.

"Are you o.k.?" She asked, stroking his cheek.

"Never better. I just want a minute with you to myself before everyone gets here and I have to share."

"I don't have to leave your side all night if you don't want me to." She was joking, but saw seriousness in his eyes.

"I'd like that." He leaned up to kiss her softly and felt her begin to smile. "What?"

"I never pictured you as a romantic." She reached her hands behind his neck and played with the hair just above his collar.

"I never was one until you."

"You're too sweet."

"I'm serious, Sarah. With you, I don't know. I'm not the same person."

"Is that a good or a bad thing?"

"Neither. It's just the way it is when you find love, I guess."

"Well I like it. It suits you."

She leaned down to kiss him once again. His hands moved slowly up her arms and then to her back, where he protectively held her to him. Just then, the doorbell rang, causing them to break the kiss.

"Guess it's time to get the party started." She said. "Shall we?" She stood from his lap and offered him her hand.

"Remember, I don't want you out of my sight." He said as he followed her down the stairs, squeezing her hand in his.

"Don't worry, Flyboy. By the end of the night, you'll be sick of me."

"Never, Mrs. Rabb. Never."

* * *

A/N: Holy cow. I really thought this story was an epilogue away from being over, but apparently it's got a little more life left to it. Thanks for the great reviews, which by the way, I totally fault for not letting this story die! 


	9. So?

TWO WEEKS LATER

Harm knocked on the door to her office. "Hey, I was wondering if you were free for lunch."

Mac looked up from her computer. "That sounds good. Can you give me a couple of minutes to finish up?"

He made himself comfortable in the chair in front of her desk. "Sure. Where do you want to go?"

"Don't care. Why don't you decide?" She stood from her desk and closed the large book that she had been reading. When she lifted it and turned to put it back on the bookshelf, she winced in pain, almost dropping the book.

"Whoa, hey, are you o.k.?" Harm stood and took the book from her hand as she tried to massage her lower back.

Still unable to stand straight, she tried to downplay the incident. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's nothing, really."

"That's not nothing, Marine. How long has this been going on?" He led her back to her chair where she sat down.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I guess a couple of weeks."

"A couple of weeks? Why didn't you say anything?"

"It's not that big of a deal, Harm. It's probably just a pulled muscle."

He lifted the phone from the receiver. "I'm making you an appointment right now."

"Harm, that's not necessary." She began, but he was already talking to the person on the other end.

She rolled her eyes but knew that he wasn't going to let it drop.

"O.k., great. Thanks. I think so. Just a minute. Mac, can you make it next Friday at 10?" She nodded her head. "Yes, she can. O.k. Thank you, I appreciate it."

He hung up the phone and looked at Mac, who was obviously less than thrilled.

"What? It's not like you to be in pain like this, Mac. Let's just have a doctor check you out and then you'll be fine."

She stood from her desk again. "Let's drop the medical talk and go to lunch, can we?"

He could tell that she was annoyed, but he didn't care. Ever since her accident, he had become overly protective of her and was not about to back down.

Mac thought about cancelling her appointment several times, but viewed the back pain as enough of an inconvenience not to. Thankfully Harm was busy and couldn't get away to go with her when the day arrived. While she appreciated his concern, he had a tendency to go overboard, and a little trip to the doctor's office was nothing that she couldn't handle alone.

When Dr. Davidson walked in the room and began asking Mac a series of questions, she knew immediately that it didn't seem like a pulled muscle. When the doctor repeatedly pushed on Mac's abdomen area, she grew concerned. "Dr. Davidson, should I be worried?"

The doctor smiled. "I would like to schedule you for a test." She began writing notes in her folder.

"Test, what kind of test?"

"A laparoscopy."

"How soon?"

"As soon as possible."

Now Mac was worried, which the doctor sensed. "We'll know more in the next week. Can you come back in on Monday?"

"Monday?"

The doctor nodded, giving away little detail about what might be involved.

"I—I guess. But why the procedure, I mean, what makes you think that I need this?"

"I'm concerned that the pain may not be originating in your back. We just don't want to rule anything out at this point."

"What do you mean, the pain isn't coming from my back. Do you mean you think it's cancer?"

"I don't think its cancer, but we need to explore all of the possibilities."

Mac hated it how doctors could be so vague, giving away just enough information to cause worry, but withholding any details that might clarify the situation.

The doctor closed the folder and placed her hand on the door knob. "Joan will schedule you on the way out. I'll see you Monday." She smiled.

Mac remained on the exam table, not moving. She had never been a worrier, but since the accident, her mental stability seemed fragile at times. And then there was Harm. What would he say? He would probably go through the roof. As she stood to get dressed, she silently hoped that he would forget about the appointment all together. She didn't want to worry him until she knew exactly what was wrong.

She was distracted the entire drive home. She thought about how reserved the doctor had been. Her smile seemed fake, but then again, doctors never did seem very genuine. She tried to push it out of her mind. She and Harm were supposed to have a quiet weekend at home to work around the house. She knew that she couldn't lie to him, but hoped that he was content with the vague answers that she wanted to give him.

She could see the lights on when she pulled in to the driveway. She turned off her car and just sat, staring in to the house that from the street, seemed quaint and neat and full of happiness. It was, really. Her time with Harm had been a whirlwind of sorts, but one that she embraced. The thought of another round of bad news; another struggle to deal with, frustrated her.

She grabbed her keys, and made her way inside the house. There would be no more thought about bad news or worry. Monday was two days away, and her husband was waiting for her.

"Hey!" She greeted him with a kiss.

"Hey yourself. I have dinner ready."

She began unbuttoning her jacket and kicked off her shoes. "I'm getting spoiled coming home to dinner every night." She smiled.

"We make a good team. I like to cook, and you like to eat." He smiled. "So how was your day?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Nothing to brag about. What about you?" She hoped that he would forget about the appointment that he had made for her, and thankfully, he did. For now.

"Same. I thought maybe we could go to the jazz festival tomorrow night. Does that sound o.k. to you?"

"Great." She smiled.

After cleaning up the dishes from dinner and watching the news together on the couch, Mac was tired. "I think I'm going to turn in." She leaned over to kiss him once more.

"I'm not far behind." He flipped the channel several times as she made her way up the stairs. She was almost to the top when he called after her.

She could tell that he turned the TV off and had set the remote down.

"Hey, Mac, wasn't your doctor's appointment today? I almost forgot." There was no response, as Mac stood on the stairs, closing her eyes in an effort to think of an acceptable response. Soon he was standing behind her. "So, how did it go?"


	10. Testing

Monday morning

Mac was unusually quiet. Harm tried to engage her in conversation several times to no avail. She showered and dressed and went about her business as if nothing were wrong. As he buttoned the final button on his uniform, he decided to try again.

"Mac, it's going to be o.k."

To this, she whirled around. "Is it?"

"Yes, Mac. I'm sure that whatever the doctor finds, if anything, will be easily treated."

"And you're basing this on, what exactly?

He hated it when she was snide. She did too, but they both knew her defenses came up as a natural reaction to fear. He nodded, acknowledging her need for space. "Just let me know when you're ready to go."

"I'm ready." She wanted to say "I'm sorry." But the words weren't there. As hard as she had tried all weekend to put this out of her mind, she couldn't. In fact, her mind began playing tricks on her, offering up all sorts of scenarios that her symptoms could involve. The more she thought about it, the more her fear snowballed. It didn't help that her instinct told her she was about to get bad news. Harm had been supportive, of course, but sometimes he could be so damn saintly that it was annoying. Was it beyond him to show a hint of worry? Of fear?

She cursed herself for entertaining such thoughts. She wouldn't want him to be anything but supportive, but this was new territory for her. They were both quiet the entire ride there. Harm introduced himself to Dr. Davidson, who thanked him for being there. Harm began asking the laundry list of questions that he brought with him, and Dr. Davidson calmly and collectedly explained to him what he wanted to know. Mac began to feel like she wasn't in the room, which annoyed her even more.

"Um, excuse me. But can we just get this over with?"

Harm and the doctor looked at her. "Of course." The doctor said. "You'll need to wait in the lobby until the procedure is over." She said to Harm. "I don't want her driving for 24 hours. She will be sore, so she needs to take it easy."

Harm was trying to ignore the sight of Mac on the examining table, rolling her eyes. It was obvious that the closer it got to the procedure, the more agitated she became. Dr. Davidson left the room, and Mac laid back on the table. Harm walked over to her, and squeezed her hand. "I'll see you in a little while." He leaned down to kiss her on the forehead. She smiled, or tried to, before he turned to leave. Once the door had closed behind him, she let out a long, overdue sigh.

The next thing she knew, she was on a table with bright lights above her, being asked to count backwards from ten. It seemed like only a second later when she saw Dr. Davidson standing above her, placing her hand on Mac's arm.

"I wish I had better news."

When Mac got to work that afternoon, she was moving slowly, but tried not to let is show. Harm had tried to talk her in to taking the afternoon off, but she wouldn't hear of it. She needed to keep busy; as busy as possible in an effort to forget about the news that she'd been given.

He knew that they were probably in for a fight. He didn't want to argue with her, but she was pushing him away, and he was not going to allow that now. They were married. They were together now and this news affected him just as much as it affected her. He needed her to know that he was in this no matter what.

The car ride home had been quiet as well, but he knew that while he had her in an enclosed space, he needed to address the subject. It had been a long time since they had argued, and he was thankful for that. Squaring off with Mac was never a pleasant experience, in or out of the courtroom. But now that they were a couple, it was uncharted territory.

"How are you feeling?" He began.

"Fine." She quipped.

"Are you sore at all?"

"Nope." She lied.

"Mac, I think we should talk about this." Suddenly he felt like the wife in the situation, encouraging her husband to open up. It felt odd for the roles to be reversed. He reminded himself that this was her fear acting, and that he couldn't give up and walk away. That's what she would expect, because that's what had happened with all of the other men in her life.

"What's there to talk about? I can't have a baby." Her voice reflected anger like Harm had never heard from her before.

He pulled in to the driveway, but didn't get out. He reached his hand across to grab hers.

"That's not what she said."

"Well, I don't know what you heard, but 'less than 40 percent' seems pretty unlikely to me."

"Mac, even if that's true, we have other options."

His optimism was beginning to get on her nerves, even though she knew that it shouldn't. She hated it that she was retreating back to her old behavior, but felt as though she were on a speeding train, unable to jump off. She opened her door to get out.

"Harm, I can't think about options right now, o.k.?" She slammed the door of the car and went inside. She wasn't making this easy, but Harm remained firm. He followed her in to the house.

"I want to know how you feel about this, Mac. If you're angry, I think we should talk about it." He followed her through the kitchen and in to the living room.

She looked at him, puzzled. "Am I angry?" She spat. "Am I _angry_?" She was about to blow, they both knew it. He stood in place, and didn't bat an eye.

"Well, why don't you tell me, Harm? You seem to have all the answers."

"I don't have any answers. I just want to help you get through this."

"Get through what? The fact that I'm barren? And what exactly is the game plan for '_getting through'_ this, Commander? What _brilliant_ strategy have you come up with this time?"

"Mac, you're upset and I understand that."

"Oh great. Now you're validating my feelings, is that it? Well what I want to know, Harm, is what are _you_ feeling? Huh? Go ahead, Commander, spit it out. Let's hear how you got a bum rap out of all this, that you realize now that you married damaged goods. Go ahead, Commander. The floor is yours. Let's hear you _admit_ that _you_ want a refund!"

"That couldn't be farther from the truth." He didn't raise his voice and instead, remained calm. While her words were strong and hurtful, he knew that she was getting to the bottom of her true feelings. She was raw with emotion right now and this was the only way that she would open up.

"I doubt that." They remained on opposite sides of the living room, neither one moving. She wanted to run up the stairs and lock herself in the bedroom like a little girl, but part of her didn't want to do that either. She was testing him and she knew it. She folded her arms across her chest.

"Mac, you have to know by now that I'm not going to leave you."

"Well you have every right to. This sort of nullifies our deal." Her voice was still laced with anger.

"No it doesn't."

"Have you always worn rose colored glasses or am I just now noticing it?"

"Mac, what matters to me is that you and I have a child together someday. It doesn't matter to me how that happens."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh brother. Can you be any more saintly?" She challenged.

"I'm not a saint, Mac. We both know that. But I am your husband, and I love you with everything that I have. I'm not backing out of this. Child or not, I'm here with you, because there's no place else that I want to be."

The soft approach was beginning to get to her. She knew that he was right and she loved him for saying it, but the anger that was consuming her felt like it was boiling over and she couldn't tell him that. Yet.

"Well you might have a change of heart someday."

"Not going to happen."

"Then maybe—" She couldn't believe that the words were about to come out of her mouth. "Then maybe I will." In that moment, she realized that she had never hurt Harm as badly as she just had. The pain was evident in his eyes. She had sunk to a new low and this time, couldn't blame alcohol for her actions. She looked away, ashamed and infuriated. Now with herself as well as the situation.

"You don't mean that." She could hear the pleading in his voice.

"Harm, we both know that I'm the one with all the baggage in this relationship. _I'm_ the one with the troubled past. _I'm_ the one that's made bad choices. _I'm _the one who's the alcoholic and now _I'm_ the one that can't give you the one thing in life that you most desire."

Now it was his turn to get angry. "How long have you been waiting to say that?" He was taking back the lead and if he had to get angry to get her attention, then he would, but he had no plans of walking out the door, like she was challenging him to do.

"What?"

"You heard me. Was it at this point in all of your other relationships that you blamed yourself for being inadequate and bailed?"

She was incensed. "You know better than anyone else in my life that I have never blamed my past for the mistakes that I've _chosen_ to make." She yelled.

"You're right, you haven't. So why do it with me?"

"Because this scares me, Harm!" She screamed. She released her arms from their position in front of her chest and began waving them around. "There, are you happy? I said it. I'm _scared _and I don't know what to do!" The tears began flowing freely and he wanted with everything in him to go and take her in his arms, but he knew that she wasn't done yet. He knew that there was more inside of her that needed to come out.

"The thought of not being able to have a baby—_your _baby is terrifying to me, Harm. As badly as I have messed up in my life, I always thought that the _one_ thing that _maybe_ I could do right was to be a mom." She laughed and shook her head. "I should have known. This is probably God's way of punishing me. I mean, first the accident, and now this." She wiped her tears and took a breath.

Her words were piercing to him once more. He remained silent for a moment. "Has nothing good happened in your life, Mac?"

"Of course it has, Harm. Are you so insecure that you need to hear me say it? Yes, you're _WONDERFUL_. You're amazing! I can't believe that _I _was the lucky one in the Harmon Rabb lottery of women to have scored the big prize!" Instead of sounding angry, she was dejected, sarcastic, and beginning to run out of steam.

"Are you finished?"

She said nothing.

"Good, because I think I've heard about enough. I know you, Mac. Maybe better than you know yourself." She shot him a look of anger. "Yes, I said it. And deep down, you know it's true. You know that you're looking down the barrel at one of the most frightening experiences in your life for the second time in a matter of months. You're scared and you're pissed, as you have every right to be. But you also know that you have a husband whose love is not going to falter at the first sign of stress. You know that I'm not going anywhere, and that scares you too. This is new territory for us both, Mac. Contrary to what you just said, there was no lottery of women in my life, because you were the only what that ever held the winning ticket and you know that."

The fact that she had stopped yelling and didn't bother to interrupt him was a good sign. The words were coming to him freely, and he decided to continue. "I had hoped that you wouldn't feel the need to test me, but you have, and I'm still here. You can yell at me, you can call me every name in the book, you can show me the door, you can threaten to leave. You can do it all, Mac, and I'll still be standing right here, because I know it's your fear that is driving you to push me away, not the real you."

She covered her face in shame after his last statement and moved to the couch where she sat with her head in her hands, now sobbing. She was clearly broken, and while he couldn't stand to see her in pain, he knew that the release was necessary for her to move forward.

He moved quietly over to the couch and sat beside her, gently placing his arms around her and pulling her toward him; an act that triggered more uncontrollable sobs.

"I'm _so_ sorry." She wailed from against his chest, and he just held her tighter. She cried like this in his arms for almost twenty minutes, releasing not only the fear, but the anger and resentment and insecurities that had plagued her her whole life. "I'm sorry." She repeated. "I'm sorry." Never letting her out of his arms, he leaned back into the couch and held her while she tried to steady her breathing.

She wiped the tears away from her face with the back of her hands until they were almost gone. Harm continued holding her and stroking her arm, and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" She finally spoke.

"Life's not about getting what we deserve."

"I know. And you're right, but this…being married to you. It feels like nothing I've ever experienced before and it seems too good to be true." She removed his arm from behind her and turned to face him. "I would never leave you, Harm. You have to know that, and I'm sorry that I used that as a threat."

"I understand why you said it, but when we said our vows, I meant every word. I'm not leaving you. Ever. The success of this marriage isn't going to be based on how we get through the happy times. Anyone can do that. It's going to be because when times got rough, we stuck together. Does that make sense?"

"It makes perfect sense. And I'm sorry that I got so out of control. I don't like myself when I'm like that."

"It's understandable that you would be upset."

"How are you doing with the news?" Now her concern was genuine, and directed at him for a change.

"I'm scared too, Mac, but more than that, I'm thankful that it's not something life threatening. It's not good news, but it's something that we can deal with one way or another. I was worried that it might be—"

Mac inwardly kicked herself for not taking his feelings in to consideration before now. He had been just as scared that they would get bad news, and after almost losing her in the crash, this couldn't have been easy.

She rubbed his hand beneath hers and clung to his right arm tightly. "I'm sorry that I didn't help you through this."

"It's o.k. You had a lot on your mind."

"I think this was another growing experience for us." She smiled.

"Next time, let's grow without arguing, can we?"

He turned to face her, his eyes looking in to her soul.

"I love you so much." She whispered, before he cupped her face in his hands and pulled her in for a long, affirming kiss.

"I love you too." The kiss continued, until both found the need for air.

"Let's go to bed." He offered.

"That's the best offer I've had all day." She smiled, reaching up to take his hand. He led her up the stairs and in to the bedroom, closing the door behind them.

"Come here." He said, opening his arms. Sitting on the couch beside her was not the same as taking her in his arms; all of her. He needed to finish the day with a gesture of comfort for her sake as well as his own.

She walked willingly in to his arms and embraced him with all of her might. "We're going to be o.k., Mac."

This time, instead of crying, she smiled. "I know it."


	11. Happy Birthday

A/N: Wow, your reviews have been so kind! Thank you! Here's a little bit of fluff, and then probably a chapter or two more before we're done. Thanks again for the reviews!

* * *

"What's all this?" Harm asked, setting his brief case down by the door and removing his cover.

"It's your birthday celebration." Mac smiled as she lit another candle on the table set for two.

"I like the looks of it already." He walked over to where she stood and gave her a "hello" kiss.

"Dinner's almost ready. Why don't you go change and I'll finish up?"

"You cooked?"

"Of course I cooked!" She swatted him with the oven mitt now in her hand. "I don't know how it will _taste_, but I cooked." She smiled.

"I'm starving. I'm sure it will be great." He picked up a small carrot out of the tossed salad and ate it.

"Go." She shooed him away with her hands.

When he came back down, Mac was lifting the pasta noodles from the pan. "Have a seat."

"Shrimp primavera. I'm impressed, Marine."

"Well it's not much, but it's the best that I could do." She removed her apron and set the basket of bread on the table.

She lifted her glass of sparkling wine. "To my husband. May he be filled with happiness, health and find all the desires of his heart on his birthday."

"Cheers." He lifted his glass to clink against hers.

"Dig in." She said.

Harm laughed. "So much for the formalities, eh?"

"Hey, the toast and the table setting are as formal as this hungry Marine is going to get."

"So, what do we have going on this weekend?"

"That's totally up to you. It's your birthday. We could drive to Virginia, you can go fly Sarah, you can hang out with the guys all weekend; you can do whatever you want, Flyboy. It's your call."

"That's a tough decision to make. So many options." He said as he twirled the angel hair noodles around his fork and ate them. "But there's only one thing that I want to do this weekend."

"What's that?" She wiped the corner of her mouth and placed the napkin back in her lap.

"I want to spend it here, with my wife." He reached across the table for her hand.

"That can definitely be arranged." She squeezed his hand.

"Good. Let's rent some movies, read some books, take the phone off the hook and lock the doors. I don't want anyone to bother us. Seems like I haven't seen you much in the last few weeks."

"I know. It's been crazy, hasn't it? I keep waiting for fewer case loads, but I don't see that coming."

"Well this weekend, it's all about us."

She raised her glass once more. "To us." She smiled, before taking another drink.

Later, Mac was standing at the sink while Harm was drying dishes and then putting them away. "You're not supposed to be drying dishes on your birthday, you know."

"I don't mind. There's only a few left."

"And then you get to open your presents."

"Presents?"

"Of course. What's a birthday celebration without presents?"

He closed the cabinet door and threw the towel on the counter. He turned off the faucet that Mac was still using, and grabbed her by the wrists. "My present is right here." He smiled, reaching behind her to remove the apron around her waist. He threw it to the floor, and pulled her in for a tender, gentle kiss. "Thanks for dinner." He said quietly.

"Just wait til' you see dessert." She smiled, leaning up to give him another kiss.

"Mmm, I think I know where you're going with this…" He closed his eyes and leaned in for another kiss, but she was gone.

"Yeah, to the fridge." She laughed. "For dessert." She pulled out two glass dishes piled high with chocolate mousse. She looked over to where he stood, still pouting.

"O.k., how about we compromise?" She said. "Dessert and presents…in bed."

"I'll get the spoons." He jokingly hurried to the drawer and pulled them out as fast as he could.

"Who said anything about utensils?" Mac called from behind her as she made her way through the living room.

Harm smiled and raced up the stairs to the bedroom where she now stood, eliciting a giggle from Mac.

"In a hurry?" She set the dishes down on the nightstand and grabbed two boxes wrapped in plaid paper from the closet. "O.k., Flyboy. Open." She patted the bed beside her.

"Mac, you didn't have to get me anything."

"Just open them!"

"O.k., o.k." He said as he tore in to the first package. He opened the box and found a small, pewter airplane that looked exactly like his stearman. "Thanks, Mac. I love it."

"It's not much, but I thought you would like it for your office."

"I love it."

"O.k., now one more."

As Harm began to unwrap the second, larger box, Mac began to get nervous. She wanted him to be surprised.

As he pulled the tissue paper from the box, he saw two plane tickets. "What are these?" He smiled.

"The honeymoon we never had."

"But, are you sure? About flying, I mean?" She hadn't flown since her accident.

She nodded, and grew more serious. "I think I'm ready. I mean, if you're with me, I think I can do it."

"I'm so proud of you, Mac. I know this was something that you haven't been ready to deal with."

"Yeah, well, you have this funny way of making me feel stronger, you know? I feel like if you're with me, I can do anything. Plus, I'm really looking forward to a vacation."

He set the tickets down and pushed the boxes out of the way. "You are strong without me, Sarah. We just give each other a little added momentum, that's all." He sat on his knees and appeared inches from her face. "Thank you, for everything." He moved in closer to find her lips, but she gently pushed him away.

"There's just one more thing." She said quietly. "I had that talk with Dr. Davidson this week."

Harm was surprised. "You did? What did she say?"

"She agreed that we could try to conceive naturally for six months or a year before trying in-vitro. She said that she didn't want us to get our hopes up, but that she has seen stranger things."

"That's great news, Mac!"

"I thought so."

He leaned in once again in an attempt to initiate the kiss that he had twice been denied. Again, she pushed him gently away.

"Harm, just one more thing."

He rolled his eyes impatiently.

"What about dessert?" She laughed, and gave him a look of mock disappointment.

He pushed her back on to the pillows and covered her body with his own, kissing her furiously and passionately. "This is it."


	12. Yogurt

Harm and Mac sat on a blanket near the water, watching the sun slowly descend on the horizon. "I think I could stay here forever." She said, burying her toes in the sand before the waves came and carried it away again.

"It's been a great trip. You couldn't have picked a better place for our honeymoon."

"I'm glad you liked it. I was a little nervous picking the place without your input." There was a pause. "I never thought I'd want to be this close to the ocean again."

"You've done amazingly well." He kissed the top of her head.

"Yeah, well, I sort of figured we might as well conquer two birds with one stone. Flying, being near the water; I knew I needed to confront my fears."

"And do you think that you have?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know that I'll ever be able to forget it, but it's going to help to have happy memories to replace it with."

"I'm proud of you."

"For what?"

"For being so strong in the face of adversity."

She smirked as if to say, "Yeah, right."

"No, I mean it. You've been given a lot to deal with in your life, and you always manage to overcome it. It inspires me."

She turned to face him with a puzzled look on her face. "Harm, the only way that I've gotten through the last few months is because I've had you to help me."

"We help each other, then."

She lowered her head and pulled her knees up to her chest. He knew what she was thinking. "If only we could overcome the challenge that's facing us now." She said almost to herself.

"We will. One way or another, we will."

"I admire your optimism."

"Not always." He laughed and nudged her.

"O.k., at times it's a little…annoying, but only because I wish I had more of it."

"We'll balance each other out. You can be the disciplinarian and I'll be the fun one."

"Oh, I don't think so, Sailor. You're not putting all of that on me! I'm not going to be the one to send them to their rooms only to find out you snuck them out to get ice cream." She smiled.

"What? It sounds like a nice arrangement to me!"

"Uh-huh."

The sat in silence for several minutes before he spoke again.

"Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"When we do have kids, let's not forget about us."

"You read my mind."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, as much as I want to have children, I don't know. I mean, I feel like you and I have something that will always be sacred to me. I don't want anything or anyone to ever mess that up."

"Even our own kids?"

"I know, it sounds awful."

"No it doesn't. I feel the same way."

"O.k., then, let's make a deal. Once a year, you and me, we'll get away. Out of town. We'll go on a trip and just hang out and reconnect."

"I like it except for the once a year part. I was thinking maybe, once a month?" He turned to face her, tucking the hair behind her ear. He leaned in to place a soft kiss on her ear and then her neck and then her jaw. "Scratch that. Once a week." He continued placing kisses wherever he could. She smiled and closed her eyes, losing herself in his touch once more. The freedom that she now had to touch him and to kiss him whenever she wanted had not lost its appeal. Their physical attraction was explosive, but the emotional connection that they shared served as the underlying fuel to that fire.

He continued between kisses, "Actually, daily sounds good." He cupped her face and looked directly in to her eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too." She whispered, as they fell back on to the blanket, oblivious to the sun that had said its goodbye for the day.

ONE MONTH LATER

"Hey, I'm back. Sorry I took so long, but it tookforever to find the yogurt." He smiled as he set the bags down on the counter.

"That's o.k." She smiled.

"Really? I'm sorry if I forgot something. I can go back later, I just didn't want to be late for dinner."

She watched him from across the kitchen as he was putting the groceries away. Suddenly she was overcome with emotion. He was so kind, so helpful. She wondered how in the world he could make it so easy for her to love him.

He turned to face her. "Is thisthe right flav—" He set the yogurt down immediately and walked to where she stood. "Mac, honey, what's wrong?"

She now had tears rolling down her cheeks. He was concerned. "What is it? Did something happen? Did I do something wrong?"

This made her cry even more. Had she been so hard on him in the past that he was programmed to please her at all costs? She couldn't bear the thought, and yet knew that none of her thoughts felt exactly rational for some reason.

"Mac, talk to me. What's wrong? What has you so upset?"

She wiped her face, and tried to speak. "Yogurt." She was now sobbing. "You brought… me… yogurt!" She wailed, trying to wipe the tears as they fell.

Harm's eyebrows shot up. He was completely and utterly confused. "Mac? I've brought you yogurt _before_…"

She nodded her head and made her way to the table to sit down.

"Is there something that I'm missing here?"

She shook her head. "No, no. I'm sorry." The tears had now subsided. "I guess, it's been a long week. I'm sorry, I'm fine. I'll start dinner."

"Mac, you don't have to cook dinner. Why don't you go upstairs and lie down?"

"No. Yes. O.k. I mean, that's probably a good idea." She made her way out of the kitchen and began climbing the stairs when he called after her.

"Do you want chicken or fish?"

At once, her stomach turned. "Oh, gosh, Harm! Neither!" The reaction was completely uncharacteristic. She continued up the stairs and Harm stood in the kitchen, both processing what she had just said. They stood in their respective places for a moment, and then hurried to where the other one was, meeting halfway at the bottom of the stairs. Harm's smile was enormous. He placed his hands on her arms. "Mac, do you think…I mean, is it possible that you're…."

She started crying again although she was smiling as well. "I don't know! I don't see how! I mean, I see _how_, but I didn't think we could…I just don't want to get my hopes up."

"I know, Mac, but think about it. You've gotten a little, emotional lately and you turning down food? Meat, of all things?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I mean, really, it seems more likely that we'd be struck by lightning than for you to turn down foo-" He was babbling, and now she was upset again, the tears rolling freely.

"Oh, Mac, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that you're…you know I think you look great, it's just that lately you've been…and you're usually so…."

She smiled. "Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"I think we need to go buy a test."

He smiled and kissed her. "A test! I can do that. Let's go. Or I'll go. Do you want to go? I can go."

She smiled at the joy that was consuming him. She had never seen him like this. "We'll both go." She said calmly.

"Great. O.k. I'll get my keys." He took a deep breath. "We're going." He smiled again.

On the car ride home, she knew that she had to say it. His enthusiasm was contagious, but she didn't want him to come crashing down if the results were disappointing. "Harm, you know that we shouldn't get our hopes up."

"I know. I'm trying, but it all just makes perfect sense."

"I know. And I love you for being so excited."

Once inside the house, he tore the box open and handed her the stick. She went inside the bathroom, and it felt like an hour before she came out.

"Well?" The anticipation was killing him.

"Looks like you're going to be buying a _lot _more yogurt." She smiled.


	13. Not Yet

"Are you ready?" Harm asked as Mac finished pulling up her hair.

"Yeah, I think so. Are you?"

"Yeah. I can't wait to go. They said we might be able to hear the heartbeat, right?"

"That's what they said." She smiled. "It's great to see you so happy."

"This is a miracle we've been given, Mac. There's no way I couldn't be happy about that."

"I know." She reached up to kiss him, and then wiped a bit of lipstick away with her thumb. "O.k., then. Let's go hear if this little one's going to be a Squid or a Marine."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know, if it has a strong, booming heartbeat, we'll know it's going to be a Marine."

"And if it doesn't?" His eyebrow was arched.

"Well, if it doesn't…you know. That's o.k."

"That's _o.k_.?"

"Yeah. If it has sort of a mellow, barely audible heartbeat, we'll know it has a fine career waiting for it in the Navy."

"You know what? If you weren't carrying my child, I might have to get back at you for that." He opened the door of the car so that she could get in.

"Mr. and Mrs. Rabb?" The nurse called.

They looked at one another and stood, holding hands.

"Right this way please."

After being weighed and having her blood pressure checked, Mac was told to wait for the doctor. "This is kind of exciting."

"I know. I can't believe how nervous I am. I mean, it's not like we get to see it yet."

"No, but the hearing the heartbeat will be the confirmation that we both probably need."

"You're right." He reached up and took her hand in his. Just then, there was a knock on the door.  
"Mr. and Mrs. Rabb? I'm Dr. Thurman. It's so nice to meet you."

She sat on the stool in front of them both and opened Mac's chart. "I see that you had some complications before becoming pregnant?"

"Yes." Mac said, hoping to avoid reliving the whole experience. "Do you think that I'll have any problems carrying the baby to term?"

The doctor stood and lifted Mac's shirt, exposing her stomach. "I don't see why you would, but we'll monitor you closely. Dr. Davidson doesn't seem to have any concerns at this point. This is going to be cold." She squirted a clear, cool, jelly-like substance on to Mac's stomach and spread it around. She then reached for the end of what appeared to be a stethoscope and placed it in the middle of her abdomen. There was no sound. She moved it to the side, and then down. Still no sound. Mac looked at Harm who shared her worried expression. The doctor moved her hand again, and then they heard it. A loud, fast thumping noise.

"Oh my goodness!" Mac covered her mouth with her hands and Harm smiled.

"Everything sounds good." The doctor smiled. She began to lift the instrument off of Mac's stomach, when she stopped.

"What is it?" Mac asked.

The doctor lifted her finger as if to say "Hold on." She guided her hand around again, and another, more faint thumping sound could be heard.

Mac's eyes grew wide, and Harm's almost popped out of his head. The doctor looked at them both and smiled.

"Is that--"

The doctor nodded.

"Do you mean to tell me that there's…_two_ of them?" He asked in disbelief.

The doctor nodded again, allowing them to hear the heartbeats again.

"Twins! Mac, we're having twins!" He exclaimed before leaning down to kiss her.

"I heard." She smiled up at him. "I can't believe it."

The doctor washed her hands and sat back down on her swivel chair to discuss the pregnancy now that they knew there were twins. She handed Harm some papers to look over, and then stood to leave. "I'll see you back in one month." She smiled before leaving. "It was very nice to meet you both."

Harm looked at Mac. They were both still smiling.

"I can't believe it!" She said.

"I'm in shock."

They both laughed.

"We never do things the conventional way, do we?"

"I'd say not. We worried about having one baby, and now we're having two." She sat up and began to step off of the table.

"So, what's your theory now?" He asked.

"About what?"

"You know, are the babies going to be Jarheads or Squids?"

"Well you heard the heartbeats, didn't you? Sounds like we're going to have one of each." She smiled.

Later that night, as the two lay in bed beside each other, they found it difficult to sleep. They stared up at the ceiling, replaying the events of the day.

"Two babies."

"Yep. Two babies."

There was silence.

"So uh, are we ready for all this?" He asked, looking over at her.

"We're ready." She turned to kiss him tenderly. "And I have a feeling that raising twins is going to make all of the other events from the past year look like nothing."

He smiled. "Well we're in this together. You and me. And I want you to know that I'm not going to forget about the promise we made. You know, to always make time for each other."

"I'm glad." She kissed him again. "And besides, we still have 33 weeks until they get here."

"Yep. We don't have to share each other for a little while longer." He laced his fingers with hers and lifted her hand to his mouth. "And that's good. Because I'm not _quite_ ready. Not yet."

* * *

A/N: O.k.! I think this one is finished. Thank you for all of the great reviews! I know that I could keep going, but I prefer to stay away from fics where Harm and Mac are wiping noses and carpooling. I deal with that enough in real life, so I like to keep them as much about each other as possible! Thanks again. 


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